Fat Friday.... have you ever seen the movie "Groundhog Day"?

I'm not even gonna bother with the stats this week... just refer to last week if you want to see because I stayed the same.

I am neither discouraged or motivated. I guess i just feel like I wish I could hurry up and get to my goal already!

Maintaining my weight seems easy.... I wish I was there already!!!

I need a serious shot of motivation, what was i doing this for again? What was it that helped me lose so much weight so quickly before the holiday's?

• I felt weak and frail after having Daniel. There were some complications and I was in bed a lot for about two weeks. I never wanted to feel that weak again.
• I couldn't find any clothes I liked, even if I liked the outfit in theory.. putting it on was a reality check that nothing looked good on me.
•  I couldn't keep up with Tommy and Bella. I had zero energy. I got winded doing nothing. My mom had more energy than I did.
• I was embarrassed for my husband... I wasn't the same person he married. The man is a saint and would never say anything like that but i knew it wasn't fair to him.

That is sad to write... I remember what that felt like, it was awful and I will never go back. Now the problem... and the victory :) is that all those things are past.  I don't feel weak anymore, I feel much much stronger. Right after i had Daniel I tried to do palates or walk on my treadmill and it was killer. Now the same workouts are much easier. I have way more energy now too. I have lots of clothes i like and I have thrown lots of clothes away that were too big! Of course I still have my days when I like nothing I put on but now its just sometimes, not all the time. And last but not least, I am literally the same person I was when Tom and I got married. I weigh the same now as I did on that May day in 2005  :)

It sounds like I've arrived doesn't it? But I haven't, If i had then I would be content. And I'm not.

• I want to be the same size I was in college when i met my husband, not just when I married him. And I want to wear my favorite "button fly jeans" just once more even though they are thread bare and have 6 patches already. (I could probably be fined for indecent exposure if I wore them in public... it would be worth it!)
• I want to be able to say that no matter what my weight, i am stronger and healthier than I have ever been.
• I want all the clothes in my closet to be one size and I want to maintain that same size permanently, right now I have clothes for now and clothes for later. I hate seeing the perfect skirt on Sunday and knowing it doesn't fit yet. I want to be done with that.
• I want to feel comfortable in a bathing suit.... stop laughing, I think it might be possible.
• I want to have another baby and know when I do that I am as healthy as possible.
• I want (on a slightly silly note) for my belly button to go completely inside out next time I'm pregnant. This probably seems ridiculous but I don't care... its true... its what I want... in my warped little mind it is a sign of "thinness" even in the midst of "hugeness".

So there you have it....wish me luck! I think I'm on the right track now!!!

(my mom just called and I turned down a Big Mac... *sigh* .....)

Sheba

So remember when I said the reason I had three small children and a puppy, was a sad story? The time has come to tell it... stop now if you don't feel like crying.

There is our Sheba.

When we got married (almost five years ago) I told Tom I needed a dog. I had moved strait from my parents house to our new house and I had never not had a dog. The house seemed quiet and empty. So about 2 days after we got back from our honeymoon I stopped by the humane society. He wanted a German Shepard. I wanted a puppy. And there she was... just waiting for us. I made Tom come see her right then.

I was in a little playroom with her and just as he was outside walking by the window to the main entrance she decided to make sure he knew what he was getting himself into and she pooped on the floor right in front of me.... He took a little more convincing after that but only a little. 

I remember feeling so bad for her the first few nights we had her home, she would cry at night, and I would try to reason with Tom to let her come sleep in our bed or at least our room. Eventually he let her sleep in our room but not until she was fully house broken. By the time we had two kids and had moved our bedroom to the second story, she no longer cared about us but preferred to sleep right in between the kids rooms on the first floor. She was so protective of them. 

always nearby.

 

Here she is watching someone in the neighbors driveway from just outside our play yard.

I know a lot of people who have dogs worry about how they will react when a baby is brought home... Sheba didn't enjoy the crying at first. For a few days she would come running every single time Bella would cry but other than that she did just fine.

Once when Isabella was a newborn Tom and I were doing yard work while she slept in her stroller. Someone came out of the neighbors house and Sheba went nuts. It was the first time the baby had been out in the yard and I guess Sheba felt it was her job to protect her. I never her saw her like that before, hair raised, growling, she immediately got between the baby and the neighbors house until the person was gone. That was when I knew we had the right dog. She was never what you would call brave, but if she thought those kids were in any danger she was a mother bear. 

I don't want to make her seem like the perfect dog. For her first year of life she had a majorly bad habit of chewing on trim. Tom was not at all happy about that. Once she actually dug a hole in the dry wall in our hallway. Again.... not a happy hubby. 

And the worst of them all... on the day after Christmas while I was pregnant with Bella, we were going to dinner with my husbands whole family. We had been at his parents house all day because he was hunting with his Dad. So Sheba was there with us. When it was time to go to dinner we decided to lock her in the bathroom so she wouldn't "go" in the house..... not smart. When we came back she had tried to dig her way out... through every wall....  there were seriously deep scratches three feet up the wall all around the small room. We all agreed that given another few hours and she might have made it out. I thank God everyday that the bathroom needed remodeled anyway, and every time I'm there I feel bad it hasn't happened yet!

So if you've done the math you could figure that Sheba should just be turning five this month. We had to have her put down in September, she was losing weight, not eating, going into kidney failure. We went to two vets and neither could explain it. We know she didn't get into anything chemically that could have caused it. The best they could guess is a rare bacterial infection that they can get from drinking standing water. I guess it doesn't much matter now anyway. 

Staying with her while they put her down was so incredibly hard. I felt so bad in that moment for all the times I brushed her off or yelled at her when I was really frustrated with something else. You always realize to late what you could have done better. It was harder still because she was with us from nearly the beginning. She was our "practice baby", our wedding gift to each other. It was not just the end of her life but the end of a chapter of ours.... one I thought still had a long way to go.

  

I know that she is in heaven. I keep telling Bella that when she says she misses her. When we first had to tell her I explained that she was really sick (which Bella could see) and that the only way for her to get well was to go to heaven where God could heal her. Somehow explaining it to my kids made it easier for me to understand as well. 

So what made me write this today in the first place? Two things...

First, we went outside to play today for the first time since we got Jack in the late fall. And I realized just how much I missed Sheba. Don't misunderstand. I love Jack too. But I couldn't trust him.... yet. He will get there I'm sure, but I didn't feel as safe today. I didn't know that he would be the first one to hear anything that was nearby. I took that for granted with her.

Second, Isabella looked out the door this morning and said " there goes Sheba... I miss her so much mama." I was confused for a few minutes until we worked it out that she was actually pointing to an airplane. I guess in her three year old mind, the only two things we talk about being "up in the sky" are airplanes and heaven. To her they had somehow become one and the same. She said "I miss her but she can't come back and play with us, right mama?" I said no but I'm sure she is happy now and just waiting for us to come and play with her someday... and I really do believe that.

 

Spring Cleaning! Wake up and smell the windex....

Last week we had a few warm sunny days, and I got to thinking about spring cleaning. Every year around this time I get a little stir crazy and start throwing away Everything.

Mostly I want to focus on yard work once the weather turns nice, but we still had tons of snow out in the yard from the 40+ inches we got in February....

Yes... that is the Hood of my van level with the snow.

Let us speak of snow no more....hopefully now that that pretty white stuff is all but gone I will get to yard work this weekend.

I was thinking it would be nice to get the indoor spring cleaning done before the weather gets nice consistantly. Also I was very inspired by the series "Declutter: 40 Bags in 40 Days" over at Clover Lane.

Everyone I know thinks I am "very organized"...either that or they have been lying to me to spare my feelings. Anyway... here is my dirty little secret... I am not very organized I just hide the mess in drawers and behind closed doors. So to prove that I did have my work cut out for me, we have some before pictures! I love, love, love, Before and Afters, don't you?

Today I'll show you the kitchen:

This is the top of my fridge and the cabinet above it.

Catch all of the kitchen. Don't mind the dust...

And this is the After...

I got the white document box at Walmart, it fits perfectly. I would love to assume that nothing will ever get stuck up there again but since I know that is will (probably by me) I thought the tray would help me more easily and frequently sort through the mess and put things where they belong.

These are the two main cabinets I use for pots and pans... and mountain dew... that is not mine, it is for my many teenage brothers... five to be exact, but that is a whole 'nother post... Anyway the plan eventually is to get one of those neat sliding shelves, I took me four years to get hardware on the cabinet so I'm just going to be patient.

Here is the after, this honestly took me about 10 minutes, now the trick is to not get lazy when I'm putting the dishes away.

These are some more random pictures that I don't have Before pictures of, honestly I didn't think I'd get this far! Also I found the joy of contact paper... everything just looks nicer, neater, don't you think?

 My mom saw this one and called me "sick".. such a compliment!

So there you have it, I was pleasantly surprised at how easy this was! I did it all with my kids underfoot, and while my husband was at work. It really is true that if you take it one drawer or cabinet at a time it seem so much more doable. I am easily overwhelmed by the list of things I want to accomplish around the house each day... I start to have panic attacks when I think about the basement...

But seeing what I've done reminds me that I can do more, and seeing what others have done inspires me to do it in the first place.

Fat Friday, Goodbye Winter Blah's.... Hello Spring.

Erma Bombeck, the original mommy blogger... before there was such a thing! I love her writing.

She once said " I've been on a diet for 13 years. I have lost 736 pounds, by all accounts I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

My Stats:

Starting weight: 229.4

Gained this week: +0.4

Lost so far: -36.2

So the above quote is the first thing the that popped into my head after I weighed in and saw that I gained... that and "God you are merciful... I will never eat that many brownies again.... well not for a long time anyway!"

It could have been worse... we had a bake sale last weekend for our church and my husband is a genius when it comes to baking. He is good at everything he tries, but I think baking is in his top five skills. If he wanted to quit his job and open a bakery I would be all for it.... I just wouldn't be able to go there because it would never turn a profit... I would eat it all.

Anyway I did the math and if every gain had been a loss I would be down another 10.8 pounds by now!

I would almost be at my 50 pound milestone.

That is depressing and motivating. I know not ever week can be a loss but since the holiday's I have fallen off the wagon hard. I was lax over the holiday for obvious reasons and then being snowed in for the last two months didn't help either. Since November 5th I have only lost 10 pounds.

I am comforted to realize that without my efforts (however minimal) I probably would have gained 10 pounds over the holiday's like most Americans. So here we go again, it is a new week! And by this time next week it will be only 24 short hours till spring :)

I can do this.... I can do this.... I can do this.....

Jack be Nimble, Jack be Sick

You know the old excuse, my dog ate my homework!?

*sigh*

.... I have a story..... 

I wanted to help out my sister in law, Kristin,  last weekend, she is always doing, helping, getting, buying, organizing, and blessing everyone in her circle of family and friends.  And beyond that I'm sure.... my point is, this girl deserves a break!  (she also deserves her own post... coming soon!)

So I offered to make some salads for a bridal shower she was throwing for a mutual friend. Ham, egg, chicken and my least-favorite-food-in-the-whole-world-ever-and-beyond.....

Tuna.

My hatred for tuna stems from my very first experience with it. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I have always been a picky eater, so the first time I tried tuna was when I was pregnant with Isabella. Tuna noodle casserole to be exact, I enjoyed it at the time but later that night it sent me into the only bought of "morning sickness" I had that whole pregnancy. Ever since then, even the smell gives me a headache.

Tom tried to make tuna for himself during my next pregnancy with Tommy and world war three broke out in our kitchen, mostly due to my hormones I took temporary leave of my senses and decided that since he knew what kind of pain the smell of tuna caused me... he must not love me....

I see now how I over reacted a bit.

But it was a tad insensitive...

just sayin...

So I made the tuna salad... gagging the whole time.

When it was done I quickly removed all traces of the disgusting substance from my kitchen, sprayed everything with strong smelling cleaner, loaded the dishwasher, and took out the garbage.

And still I would swear to you I could smell it. Since there was no room in my refridgerator my husband was going to take them over to the church for me that night. So I set them on the bench in our mudroom near the door.... this is also very close to Jack's cage.... meet Jack....

Our nine month old Boxer mix. I know, I know... I have three kids, why do I have a puppy??? That is a long story, kind of a sad one too. But to make it short, he is cute and you can't reason when you are in love.

Here he is when we brought him home...

SEE ? You would have fallen for him too. No one can resist a puppy... even tired desperate Mommies of preschoolers!

But I digress.... I thought Jack might try to eat it so I put him in his cage...

I swear to you that I locked the cage when I put him in it..... I think...

99% sure anyway.

It is possible and probable that I locked it and most likely Tommy came along behind and UNlocked it.

So right before Tom was to leave we all went upstairs for our "Before-bedtime-(Daddy-is leaving-and-mommy-is-desperate)-movie"

Tom helped us get settled and then headed downstairs to leave. He was going to church for a ministry we help with, and was supposed to be speaking that night.

First was the crash,

then the bellowing,

then the loud yelling,

then the cage door slamming....

silence...

running water? uh-oh

I went to the kitchen to find him leaning over the sink in pain, blood running with the water.

Apparently Jack likes tuna.

He knocked over the huge ceramic mixing bowl and ate nearly ALL the tuna salad.

Tom swung at him (yes we smack our dog when he needs it.... at least we don't bite him like his own mother would!)  and instead of Jack he made contact with the broken edge of the bowl, resulting in a very deep cut on the inside of his knuckle.

The end result, Tom was late for church, the kids were late to bed, the shower went on without my tuna salad, and Jack is being watched like a hawk for signs of  sickness... and my house STILL smells like the awful stuff.

The moral of the story is.... Don't make tuna salad?

...Don't do try to do good deeds?

...Don't get a puppy when you also have a mischievous two year old boy?

...Don't swing when you are blinded by rage?

Either way... I don't want to forget this story because "they say" that someday I will look back and laugh.

How long will that take exactly? 

Faith like a Child

The other night Tom was playing with the kids... he is the fun parent in this equation.

Handstands, wrestling matches, hide and seek.... he does it all.

I just do everything else.... anyway....    

They were running in circles around the kitchen when (for some reason) Isabella wants him to jump over her.

So he did, kind of  ' leap frog ' style....

She of course is tickled and says "Do it again!"

He says "I can't! I'm too old, my knees hurt!"

I say "You are getting really old, nearing thirty."  

He muttered something about a divorce...

... just kidding....

Then Isabella says "Don't worry Daddy, when you get old you get to go to heaven!"

Faith like a child....the students have become the teachers, or rather they have always been the teachers!

I've learned more from these kids in the last four years than I ever did in the previous twenty-two.

A few days later Isabella came to me crying about her knees hurting (she calls them her elbows... we are working on it).  I am assuming it was growing pains and I was about to ask if she wanted tylenol when she said "Will you pray for me?".

Wow.... that wouldn't have occurred to me on my own...

So that is child like faith? Going to our heavenly Father first, before we try all the other possible solutions.

How many times could I have saved myself grief, irritation, heartache, worry....if I had just gone to Him first?

In prayer, in His word, in just sitting still for few worship songs in the middle of a bad day.

They are watching us, 

mimicking us,

trying to learn from us everyday.

Little do they know we are learning just as much from them.

Tell it to your children,
and let your children tell it to their children,
and their children 

to the next generation. 

Joel 1:3

Fat Friday....or still fat and once again its Friday...

GAINED..... I hate that word...

In my little Weight Watchers book it says +0.6.....  I hate plus signs too.

Let's get this over with....

My Stats:

Started: 265.6

GAINED this week:  +0.6  :(

Weight Now: 229

Lost so far: 36.6

To be perfectly honest I did not count my points the second half of my WW week and I knew it was probably going to be a gain, I was actually a little relieved it wasn't worse!

So why when we know what we want...and know what we have to do to get what we want, do we often do the opposite?

For me what I want at the time seems more important than what I want in the long run. That is the simple answer. And sometimes the scale seems to move sooooo slowly... even when I am giving it 100%. I think I need to focus more on the Non-Scale Victories.

Like getting back into my wedding dress or wearing the jeans I wore in college again.

So I think that means the a list of goals and rewards (both small and big) is that much more important this week.

Last Sunday at church, someone offered to take me out to the salon, and to buy a new outfit, when I get to 50 pounds lost! My Aunt Jeanne was right, God will provide!

In the meantime, when I get to 40 pounds lost I am going to buy my self a new outfit for spring, I would probably be doing it anyway but won't let myself do it until I see -40 on the scale!

I still don't know what to do when I get to my ultimate goal, which is 190. At that point I will have lost 75 pounds....wow. I can't imagine how I let it get that far.... that I would NEED to lose that much weight.

So any ideas on an ultimate reward or celebration? I feel a new poll coming on.

And with two hours left to vote, the results are...... *drumroll please*

A two way tie!

Buy lots of new clothes -3

Get Pregnant- 3

hmm... you all do realize that these two things don't really go well together, right?  I mean, if I were to get pregnant I would certainly buy some new maternity clothes.. but the fact that they are 90% elastic just makes me want to eat some cookies. mmmm.... cookies.....