Lullaby's and Lavender...

The house is quiet, 

The only sounds are my music playing softly

Just like a star cross my sky...

Just like an angel off the page,

you have appeared to my life...

feel like I'll never be the same.

Just like a song to my heart,

Just like oil on my hands,

only to love you....

Every time I hear that I think of my angels....

I can say "angels" with a strait face because they are sleeping and the noise has stopped.

No one is screaming or hitting anyone.

No one is pouring goldfish crumbs on the couch right after I put away the vacuum.

They are angels again until eight am... God willing.

Jack is making weird squeaking noises in his cage behind me.

Barking with his mouth closed and dreaming about something.

Must be good because in reality I think I've heard him bark about three times....

I can hear the shower running in the distance 

and in a few minute Tom will come tell me to come to bed to watch a movie....

The kids are all tucked in and freshly bathed.... for a change...

Why is it so hard to find the energy to give them all a bath at the end of the day?

Bella will smell like lavender in the morning when she comes to snuggle in my bed at the first sign of dawn.

Every night its the same questions as I try to back out the door saying "I love you" and "Goodnight baby"

over and over....

"When will you go to bed?"

"soon."

"Will you leave the light on?"

"I always do sweetie."

"Can I come cuddle with you when its light?"

"Of course you can baby."

And some nights there are random other questions... 

" How many sleeps till campin?"

"Can we go somewhere tomorrow?"

"Is Sheba still in heaven? I miss her mama."

 "When the baby comes out of your belly can I teach her to ride a bike?"

"When is Santa gonna be back at the mall?" 

"Why can't we take our TV campin? I'm gonna miss Elmo."

This is a snapshot of my evenings right now.... Soon they will shift and change again.

The new baby will come, routines will change. 

They will grow and learn and there questions will change.

They will get more complicated I'm sure.

And I'll quickly forget the routine that right now I can recite to our babysitters off by heart.

"Tommy and Daniel need there blankets and binkies.... 

Bella will want a girl blanket... not one of the boys.

She will ask for water, only give her half a cup.

Let them each have a turn to pray.

Put Daniel down a half hour before them...

but let them kiss him goodnight or they will be sad they missed it.

Tell her she can come cuddle with me in the morning, 

I'll be in my bed when she wakes up... and I'll kiss her before I go to sleep" 

I don't want to forget, so I'm writing down what seems mundane to everyone but me and their Daddy.

And maybe someday they will enjoy knowing what it was like when they were little.

I'm sad these days will pass but I remember a time when Bella was too little to get up and come find me in my bed for a morning cuddle, and now I can't imagine her not coming....

its one of my favorite times of our day.

I'm looking forward to the day when we have four warm little bodies snuggled in our bed, 

smelling like lavender and happiness itself as the sun slowly wakes us.

Humbled By a Haircut

Our Pastor's wife is always teasing me that Tommy's hair makes him look like Rod Stewart.

The only difference is Tommy's hair does this naturally

And we don't let it get that long... because it scares me.

I start to hear "Do ya think I'm sexy?" in my head often.... 

lovely...

anyway...

I also don't like it really short,

honestly I like it when its just like his Dad's hair.

But I'm awful at cutting hair, just ask my best friend from high school... it grew back,

and I thought a short bob looked really cute on her... but that's another story.

So all that to say I'm to cheap to pay and not skilled enough to do it myself.

So Daddy does the hair cuts.

Except for weeks now its been on the "to do" list and hasn't actually gotten done

So Saturday night I was determined to get his haircut before bath time... 

except bedtime came and went and everyone was getting cranky and tired, and Daddy was on the phone.

And I was getting more and more annoyed waiting.

And we had to get up for church in the morning so baths were necessary

So I say to him "were you going to cut it or just buzz it?"

Meaning make it look like yours or give him a longish buzz cut.

He says buzz....

So I head to the bathroom with Tommy and decide that much I can do myself.

Meanwhile if I had stopped to take a breathe I would have known Tom was getting  porch all ready for him to get his haircut out there.
 So I take his clothes off so he's ready for the tub and set him on a towel.
 Then he starts freaking out about the clippers buzzing...
I try to calm but he isn't making any sense.

Finally I realize what he's saying...

"No tut off my pee pee mama! You no tut it off!"

tut = cut in Tommy speak.

And he's cupping it.... I guess he thought that was why he wasn't wearing any clothes.

ouch.

So I explain and he calms down and I'm laughing so hard I'm nearly crying.
Apparently the sense of "self" preservation for men is strong from birth... 

 
Back to the task at hand, I start at his forehead....

and immediately I see my mistake.

I grabbed the number one attachment, 

I meant to get number two.

but all the talk of pee pee's getting cut off distracted me... 

and maybe I was still in a huff about Daddy being on the phone. Maybe.

So since i started in the front I was stuck.

and so was poor Tommy.

Dad wasn't to happy with it either.

"You never start in the front!" he groaned... "this is why."

The boy is a millimeter away from being mister clean.

Oh well hair grows fast right? 

Now If I could just grow patience a little faster...

hmmm.... I guess that last statement is missing the point yet again,
some people never learn, I fear I am one of them.

Nipple Confusion...

I told Tommy yesterday...

"I love you more than the sun... and the moon.... and the stars!"

He gasps and whispers in awe,

"How long is that!?"

 A few nights ago Isabella went into her room to pray with Daddy and he was laying on her bed waiting.

He says, "I love this bed.... you know this used to be Daddy's bed?"

Bella is confused,

"My bed?"

"Yep" said Dad, "This was my bed when I lived at Grammy and Grandpa's house"

Isabella thinks for a minute and says,

"Did you wear my clothes too?"

I assumed this was Isabella's most recent attempt at being funny...

"Daddy? Do you take your nipples off when you go to bed?"

We laugh and thought she was just being silly... 

The next day she refereed to my bra as "mommy's nipples"

Now I'm just confused... 

does she know what nipples are?

Does she think Daddy wears a bra?

What am I missing?

And I swear this one is saying his own name... 

or maybe I just need to take a long nap and an extra strength tylenol.

It sure sounds like Daniel anyway.

"Naniel.... Naniel...."

 And at the ripe old age of 15 months he has finally learned to walk!!! 

This might be a record for our kids, Bella was 17 months and Tommy was right around this age too.

I'll have to do the math to see who gets first place.

 And someday maybe I'll figure out how to post a video to showcase his cuteness.

Till then... more packing.....

Pray for me people!!!

 ... and yes I know he needs shoes, I have since gotten him a pair, $2.99! I love thrift stores!!!

 

Unplugged

I've been missing in action lately for a lot of random reasons but here is one...

We are preparing for the big family vacation we take every year with my husbands whole family.

As much as I'm looking forward to it.... the closer we get to leaving the more all I can see is the list of things

I need to do and pack before then.

You see we are going camping and we stay in a cabin near a state park... 

not in a hotel with maid service as I was raised with on "vacation"

Honestly when I first went along with my husband on this trip the year before we got married I couldn't understand what it was about it exactly that made it a vacation.

No maid service, 

bring your own sheets even....

no eating out except on the drive there and back...

unless you count eating outside...

 there's all sorts of wildlife, and often they find their way indoors, 

every year we have a bat fly through the cabin at least one night

*shudder*

 Generally speaking this trip is a lot of work.

there are around 20 to 25 people to feed at every meal.

And with that number of people and two bathrooms getting a shower involves either getting up very early, or bargaining with whoever called dibs before you.

and the noise, 

and the short nap times, 

and the early mornings, 

and the late nights, 

they can quickly start to put you into a cranky mood.

So why do I love it?

First and most importantly we are all together.

 Just being, sitting, talking....

playing...

together.

Second there is no television...

no computers or internet...

none of the usual distractions that keep us in our separate little worlds.

For entertainment you can either read a book... which we do often,
or you can go find someone to ride a bike with,
play cards with,

or go for a walk with...

with.... again its all about together.
totally unplugged.

At first I admit this seemed more like a punishment.
But now that I've "seen the light".... I try to make our life at home more like this.

I usually fail, but at least I try....

Third there is the food...
ice cream is everyday...
for breakfast on the last day because we have to eat the leftovers or leave it, so we put it on top of waffles.

Or make milkshakes for the road.

We have a big breakfast made by grandpa everyday.
There is something so awesome about breakfast cooked outside on a fire.
You can't get it to taste the same any other way.

Tom's Chili.... yum
Also amazingly cooked outside on the fire.
Is this normal? Am I just really sheltered?
Or easily impressed?

Then there are the random moments that turn into the lasting memories...

This chair was regularly fought over by these three...
this year I have three chairs...
however now there will be 7 preschoolers and toddlers....
just can't keep up I guess.

This is how we dry clothes...

and this is how they treat us in-laws....

Better than they treat each other sometimes....

I love to see Tom hanging out with his brothers.
They were young when we got married and he moved out, so this is like making up for lost time.

And some of them are still pretty young and in need of some quality time with the family all together.

flash light tag is taken very seriously by some.

posing for pictures.... not so serious.

So there is our week in a nutshell...
and now I'm excited once more,
but I probably should go check something off my to do list...
which will make my head start spinning again...
but that's Ok cause in a few short days I'll be sitting by a fire eating smores and enjoying life.

So until then I'll just keep coming back to re-read this,
and look beyond the packing to all the fun memories we have yet to make.

Thank you Lord for Chocolate and Nap time..... and Please Help Me Not to Kill My Dog. Amen.

Tom has had to work late the last two nights...

On Tuesday he worked from 6am until after midnight.

On Wednesday he made it home just in time to see the kids for twenty minutes before bed.

That means today I am overly tired, 

cranky,

lonely for my husband 

and could very well lose my mind even under the best circumstances.

As I write this it is 2:00 in the afternoon and already I feel I have had a full days worth of irritation....

Oh wait here we go again... my computer just crashed,
Thank you Lord and blogger for the auto save feature
anyway I'm back to complain some more, aren't you lucky.

So this morning the baby cried for a bottle just before seven.
I went in, changed him and gave him his bottle and he settled back down
for what I guessed would be and hour to and hour and a half,
so rather than be productive I took my pregnant butt back to bed.
But first I let Jack out of his cage,
because if I don't he would be crying for me before anymore kids needed me.
And then I'd have to get back up...
and then I'd be angry....
and I might hurt myself kicking Jacks cage.

So my thought pattern went something like that and since lately Jacks destructive nature has been oriented towards wooden furniture...
specifically antiques..... I thought I would hear him if he chewed anything in my room.

my dear father in law would say "you what"
I thought..... "well that was your first mistake."

very helpful Dad thanks.
Anyway today Jack did not go for the piano leg,
or the antique sofa,
or Toms grandfathers dresser,
no today Jack made the quilt my mom bought me before my wedding look like a poncho.
big hole.... right in the middle.

So as a soon to be mother of four,
grown, rational, non-materialistic woman,
what do I do?

I burst into tears and spend the next fifteen minutes crying to my husband on the phone

while trying to get the kids in the car to go to my mothers.

So I'm buckling Tommy in the car and I slide over on the middle seat to get Daniels buckle and guess what?
I slide to far and fall out the door of the van, scraping my shin and dropping the phone...
accidentally hanging up on Tom but not before screaming in Toms ear.

Now I'm crying even harder.... and Tommy keeps saying "Mom? why's you's not happy?"
And I show him my boo boo and tell him what Jack did.

Get in the driver's seat and call Tom back to cry some more
and tell him I'm gonna castrate this dog myself if we don't figure out how to stop him soon....
Tom thinks this will make him fat and lazy.
I am not a vet, I don't know.... but I know I loved that quit.

Soon Tommy is saying "mama!? see that big truck? Are you's happy now?"

In Tommy's world its the little things that make it all better,
like dump trucks and Diego.

So I'm gonna take a lesson from my toddler and go watch a  good movie and eat some ice cream.
And maybe Google about quilting for beginners....

Joy

I've found that when I don't write for a long time eventually its like I get full to capacity of thoughts and emotions and pretty soon I find myself sitting here in the middle of the night...

when I want to be relaxing, 

when I should be sleeping, 

but instead I'm pecking away at these keys... trying to empty my head and my heart of some of its emotion.

Today was a weird day,

I started out truly deeply content and happy with everything that is 

and everything that's on the horizon.

One of the contented sighing kind of moods, like after a big homemade meal.

Where every song that comes on the radio is your favorite and fits your mood exactly.

Then slowly I realize that I'm the only one feeling this way.

That everyone else I love and have spoken to is having an awful time for one reason or another.

And I'm helpless to give them any comfort.

It's like watching a play and every person in it is suffering.

And they don't know the whole story because they are in the midst of it,

but I do because I'm watching it unfold.

I hate when the people I love most are unhappy, 

I dread the day my children are grown mostly because right now their trouble are small and simple,

but I know one day they will be real and I won't be able to kiss them away.

I feel like if I could just show them, just step into their role for just a minute then maybe I could help.

Most likely I couldn't, 

really there is nothing to do but pray and try to keep my joy, and hope that its contagious.

Right now I'm going to try to find joy in these last few days of summer.

He did this on his own :)

I'm going to enjoy a few more dips in the pool before the end of the season, 

and a couple of impromptu trips to the lake.

I'm going to memorize and document and enjoy the cute faces...

and silly things..

and new experiences...

And at the same time I'm going to look forward to camping and bonfires 

and the crunch of leaves under my feet.

to long walks on cool days and seeing the beauty of fall painted across the hills.

that's Nana and Pappy taking the whole neighborhood for a walk.

I'm looking forward to time spent with family

and lots of baking and sweater wearing...

Summer was good, fall will be good too, 

we will find joy in the Lord

in each other,

in the anticipation,

in the little things.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. 

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, 

not even to an animal. 

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; 

lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change.

It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

~C.S Lewis

This is What a Nervous Breakdown looks like.....

I am listening to my freshly bathed, sweet smelling, pajama clad babies in the living room 

quietly watching Cailou.

Cailou is asking his mommy when its going to snow, she sweetly says 

"soon.... do you want to bake some cookies while we wait?"

So they bake, then the snow starts.... Cailou wants to go outside... mommy says joyfully "of course!"

I hate Cailou's mommy today.

She is giving me a complex.....

Here I sit at the computer after one of the most challenging days of my life... ever.

Today when the kids asked me about the rain stopping or starting for the millionth time 

I did not respond in a manner that conveyed love... but rather exasperation and annoyance.

 I lost my temper about a thousand times today when they forgot to share...

or started screaming in unison just for fun....

or hurt themselves wrestling on the couch after I told them to stop.

Actually that last one really gave me a strange kind of smug satisfaction.... I was that fed up.

There was zero sympathy but don't worry I faked it in between the "I told you so's"

As I write this I am contemplating the dangers of eating raw cookie dough when pregnant because I lazily bought the pre-made stuff and now I don't even have it in me to put in on a cookie sheet and bake it.

I have reached a new low....

What brought me here? 

The baby got up early,

both boys wet out of their diapers and the beds needed stripped and cleaned.

Isabella had an upset stomach and our bathroom required lots of lysol... twice.

We were out of milk and bread so a trip to the store was iminent.

The baby was cranky (from getting up to early) so we had to wait to go shopping.

I realized during morning nap that it was raining in my open car windows.

I called my sister for emergency back up and she mercifully let me go to the store alone.

I braved walmart..... with a wet butt.

the woman in the check out line in front of me had a disney character tattooed on her neck, 

I once again question the sanity of society at large.

I go to the McDonald's drive thru... always a treat.

Get home... feed kids and sister, who have torn the house apart.

Its OK it was so worth it.

Get kids to nap late after much screaming.

Nap is cut short for various reasons involving Isabella.

Make a nice supper for Tom and the kids since he should be home early for the first time in a while.

In the end the kids and I eat alone and he is actually over and hour later than the normal time.

That would be a half hour before bedtime.

I will now go read my bible and eat cookies (that will be baked) and try to take deep breathes.

Hopefully the feeling of seething hatred for Cailou's constantly patient loving and attentive mommy will pass.

If not I will try to picture her at her worst... 

in labor swearing at anyone who is in earshot.

Fighting with her husband over bills and work schedules.

Telling everyone its "breakfast for dinner"... get your own cereal.... pop tarts if your feeling fancy.

Eating raw cooking dough crying in the bathtub....

Not that I have ever done any of those things.