If My Cell Phone Could Talk....

My phone decided to put itself put of its misery a few weeks days ago... 

I don't blame it, life here is hard.... and sticky.

So when I got my replacement Tom had to transfer photos to my laptop. 

Technology and me aren't friends... I knew it could be done but didn't know how.

To give you an example of the depth of my problem, Isabella had to show me how control the volume on Julie's ipad the other day.....
yeah, that bad.

Anyway I had a few hundred on that little thing, spanning 5 years so get ready for some random.

Lots of baby photo's...

 Bella

Tommy

Daniel

Vivian

Taking pictures to send to Daddy to show him how our day is going...
We document the damages....ouch...

Sometimes taking pictures while they cry is all I can do to keep from crying myself...

Sometimes laughter is the best medicine... for instance every time I see this I get a good laugh.

Calm down... he wasn't hurting her. She is a tad high strung... want further evidence?

This was much ado about nothing.... tiny little scrape on her foot.
But I gave her an ice pack anyway.
And then she needed all her animals too... and she was back up in two minutes.
Back to her weird funny self...

"Look Mama! I've got nipples like yours!"
She is nothing if not creative....

"Hey honey... remember that loud noise last night while we were watching tv? Figured it out!"

And of course sending picture messages is a good way to bribe a man too.

"Honey look what I made you....

I am such...

...a good wife!

Sooooo.... can you buy me these?

or these?

"Cause don't forget you did this to me so you owe me...
and shoes are the only clothes I can still enjoy shopping for at this size."

And then he sends me pictures like this and says things like,
"look what I have to go through to make a buck... leave me alone and quit spending my money!"

That's not true... he says how much? or can it wait till Friday... and I say no.... gimme gimme gimme..

And further more those earrings and shoes were bought pre-pregnancy.... for our anniversary weekend last year, and actually may have been part of the reason we got pregnant with Vivian.... to much info?


Anyway... some of my favorite pictures of all time are on this phone.
Daniel, to tired to hold his head up anymore.

Summertime with Aunt Julie.

Weird...

and weirder...

Bald... and wearing his big sisters high heels!

Saturday mornings.

And the first of many naps together... this was right after we got home from the hospital.
I think he has done this with every baby within an hour of getting home.

This hat is obviously Bella's but the boys always seem to wear it more.

Lots of pictures of church outfits to send to our Nana who is sadly often at work.

Reading their Bible before bed, we try to do it every night but we fail often.

This one has survived three or four phones now, Tom and Izzy, one of my favorites.

Playing in the puddles, and working on the patio last summer.

Ice cream at King Cone's Castle last year..... we go for the ice cream and stay for the cow rides.

Daniel... so tiny and bald. We haven't figured out the formula for making baby's with hair.

Going home from church last spring. She is this girly all on her own.

Aren't we cute... this is when Daniel was the baby.

Lunch at Chili's with just one kid... pretty much a date in my book.

 

Christmas play at church... a sheep, an angel, and a cow.

I was so cute it almost killed me!

 

Playing at Nana's.... they did this to themselves, that's a stuffed snake Aunt Julie made.

Now that your eyes are watering and I've wasted a good few minutes of your life I will end this abruptly and weirdly as it began.... good night people.

Family Ties

I'm sitting on the deck feeling a cool breeze, listening to Vivian cooing in her swing and Daniel sitting in the time out chair...
"ahh done na Mama? All doonnnee!!!"

Summer is upon us and I am finding myself struggling to come back to life with the rest of nature.

There has been plenty of drama recently, and for this past month I've not been writing I've mostly been stuck in the past.

I can't sleep and don't want to write... but I know that if I do it will help. Then maybe I can get back to my usual writing.

Its hard to write this way about something so personal, how to get it out without saying to much?

I will forgive you if you stop reading quickly... 

this may not make much sense to anyone but me and my family.

My grandmother passed away and so many painful, ugly memories from my childhood have been dragged to the surface just by having to attend her funeral. I swear I have been dreading that event since I was in high school,
I knew that it was the one last thing that would force us awkwardly back together again.

If it weren't for my father I would like to think I would have had the guts to just bail on the whole thing. But I'm glad I went... I think.

I feel like I learned something valuable.
There are two side to every coin.

This woman laying the casket was little more than a stranger to me even though we shared a roof for half of my life. I didn't feel she loved me in a deep or real way, I always felt in someways like she was indifferent to me for one reason or another... I can think of a lot of reasons but this isn't the place for that.

But seeing how some of my cousins reacted to having to say goodbye made me realize that there must have been a genuine love between them.... why did they get that and I didn't?

Was it her fault? Her children's fault? My own fault?

Most likely it was and unknowable combination of all three.

It was like it all happened yesterday, like I'm a teenager again losing most of my family to an ugly and impossible situation... one where no one can win or find any value in "being right" because in the end the damage is so severe it could take your breathe away.

It moved me to tears realizing that it was too late now to ever know what might have been if I had laid it all bare and asked her what went wrong and whether or not it could ever be made right.

Whether I could someday stand next to her and read as her grandson did about his genuine sorrow over losing her, his beloved Grandmother.

Truth be told it has been to late for a long time, she hadn't known much of reality for years.

But death is such an incredibly final nail in the coffin of the dramatics and fighting in that family that it is hard to stomach.

It seems to me that an all out battle is so much easier on everyone than the cold long silences and  passive aggressive behavior that has been going on for years.

I wanted so much in that church to play the old silent home movies I had seen of these five siblings from nearly forty years ago and ask them all...
what had happened to this family flickering on the screen?

Because I feel like I've never met them.

It seemed that they were friends, and they cared for each other.

They were smiling and laughing.

They were standing at the beginning of they're lives.

Before husbands, wives, children, illness, jealousy, bitterness, lies, money and death would drive them apart.

There in those old movies was a family I would have liked to have been apart of.

Here in reality is the painful results of people just being people, paying little attention to God's advice to love one another as we love ourselves.

I didn't set out to write this, but I am glad I did because in the end everything I write here is for my kids.

So her you go guys.... what you can learn from this...

love each other and put each other first.

Do all you can do to build and keep strong your relationships.

Even in little ways. Yesterday Tommy, Bella was sick and you went and got her a blanket because you were worried about her.
It was a very small thing that meant a great deal...  keep doing those small things.

Weigh your words and actions in light of the long run, not just how you feel right now.

 Action is much different than reaction. One is thought through and the other is just acting on emotion.

Your emotions shouldn't dictate your behavior.
Always ask yourself how you would want to be treated and then act that way towards your siblings.

 Don't feel entitled and try to see everything you get in life as a blessing.

Don't try to figure out who has gotten more from us. Don't keep records of favors.

And even with all this advice about being kind... don't be a martyr or a doormat.
Speak up for yourself before you become bitter about something. 

Before you've stewed about it for days or years, 

before you have let time and hurt warp your perspective.

 I could think of a lot more to say but I'll stop here. I am not trying to preach to you, I am writing this as much to myself.... probably more.

 I write out of fear and you will know why when you have your own children...
because I see you now all together laughing and running through the grass of our backyard, racing to your swing set, dropping helicopters off of your tree house, blowing on dandelions and making wishes.... and while you wish for ponies, ice cream, and new nerf guns...

I wish so very much that you could just stay this close always, to each other and to me and Daddy.

 Right now you are little and it seems easy since you always follow our lead.
But I wish, or rather pray,  that we could be this family always, trying to love each other as we love ourselves, as Jesus showed us, sacrificially.
Sometimes you will need to sacrifice your pride, your time, your right to free speech, your wants,
to keep the peace in this family... to demonstrate love...and that is as it should be.
That is how we learn to love in just a small way as God loves us.
I think living in that kind of love together we could get a glimpse of Heaven on this imperfect earth.

An Empty Tomb and a Beautiful Life

Its way late...

like nearly one a.m.

I am an idiot for being awake when everyone else in this house is snoring... loudly.

 

(I will pay for this in the morning when I'm trying to wrangle four little ones into their matching Easter outfits, while trying to make myself look presentable and not be late.)

Tom is loudest of all, but he is to cute for me to wake him.

I would post a picture but one of the things I enjoy about married life is keeping him all to myself.

I never shared well as a child either....

I'm listening to him breathe...

to the wooshing of the ocean waves coming through the boys monitor.

To the sound of the occasional car going by, its warm enough that the windows are open.

And now I'm listening to the sound of my thoughts as they click and clack on this keyboard.

My thoughts are part of the reason I'm awake at this hour I'm sure.

That and the fact that I got to sleep in and had way to much caffeine tonight.

 

One of my Mom's good friends passed away this week.

She was one of those friends one whom my sister and I bestowed the title of "Aunt".

The one who cut our hair for free in her laundry room.

Who treated us to candy as liberally as a grandma.

The kind of friend you can pick up with after any length of time and it feels like you never missed a beat.

She was at my graduation, my wedding... it's simply very surreal that she's passed.

I remember her best at my Mom's age, when her grandchildren were little.

Still very young and full of life.

I am pained to think of how quickly the years slip through our fingers.

It seems like yesterday I was dying for him to pop the question....

then it seemed the wedding date would never come.

Then all we could think of was starting a family... for about eight weeks.

Once Isabella was on her way we felt nearly uncontainable anticipation.

Once she was here we looked forward to each milestone more than the last.

Soon Tommy came along, then Daniel... now here is our sweet Vivian.

And with each addition I have grown wiser... 

I feel my grip tighten as I try so desperately to hold onto them. To this time.

I remind myself more and more often not to rush through this beautiful life God has given me.

Its a strange juxtaposition I suppose to talk about trying to hold on to life on this Easter Sunday.

I love this life so much that its hard to imagine one better...

I know that's not the case for everyone though.

I think sadly that far more people are unhappy in this life.

my ultimate hope and joy should be in the promise of an eternal life.

 

One far better than this I am told... and I often tell Isabella when she asks.

It seems she has a lot of questions about heaven.

No pain, 

no disease, 

no war, 

no death....

life everlasting..... I can't wrap my head around it.

So I guess it shouldn't surprise me that she can't either.

 

She asks questions about things that seem important in her five year old mind

... can we take our house with us?

Can I have a horse?

Will God play with us? 

Will He have cool toys?

 I try to envision it.

what will Heaven be like?

I'm not sure. 

Isabella's childish questions make me wonder.

Is it whatever we want or is it that we will have no more wants... only contentment?

How is it possible that there is no sorrow, only joy?

I want to learn more and I intend to but in the end it won't matter what I think I know about the eternal life God has promised to those who accept the gift of the risen savior.

I want it.

I know God loves me and I want an eternity with Him.

That he would send His son to the cross in my place is more than enough to tell me that.

Matthew 18:3 "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, 

you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

I want to never be separated from these ones I love... or the God who graciously gave us each other.

That is my definition of Heaven I suppose, in its simplest form.

 

 

... but first to grow old with my husband.

And hopefully watch our children grow old too.

And spend our last years watching our grandkids the way we watch our little ones now...

and we'll say, don't they look like Vivi and Bella at that age?

or, do you remember when Daniel used to play with that car and Tommy would push him around?

 

I guess its as they say... everyone wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to go now.

 

 

Seasonal Limbo

It's beginning to look a lot like springtime.
Today its beautiful... its sunny... and its freezing cold.

Ah well, I'm just hoping it gets nice in time for Easter, or at least Mother's day.
And we have had at least a few nice days that the kids could get out and play these last few weeks.

I couldn't find the right flowers to go above the piano so Julie made me this.

I love it, she does not... he art is usually a bit more dark, serious... sexy :) 

Stunning and moving but not usually involving flowers and ribbon.

Anyway I just had to show off her softer side... sorry Julie.
I know you'll hit me but I don't care, I'm high on all the fresh air.

Its so nice to be able to get out after a long winter,

especially a long winter spent very pregnant with three busy little kids.

But with spring comes rain... and I'm ok with that because it makes for a better nap that day.

Cloudy rainy days that follow days of sunshine and running around outdoors are the recipe for the three hour nap.  And even if only one or two of them nap for long its still a wonderful break for mommy.

And then there is always craft time when the April showers roll in,

also known as "mommy is desperate to make you shut up and sit still time"

My mother in law told me play-doh saved her sanity when she had her fourth baby...

I am dying to make a joke now about which child actually made her lose her sanity...
but I lover her so I won't ... ;)

So I decided to give the craft thing a spin when Aunt Gigi sent us some spring foam stickers in the mail....
I hate messes so this is as crafty as I wanna get... no paint or glue... thanks.

Daniel lost interest pretty quickly

but it still killed some time and made for some nice bright Easter art for my pantry door.

We tried play-doh the next day and it worked better for keeping Daniel occupied,

its seems that the best combination for Daniel is to give him play-doh and put on Toy Story 3.

I learned I can get a good hour of sitting still if I do that.
Did anyone else just hear the Hallelujah chorus???

And you can't judge me for using tv as a babysitter...
or rather you can, but I have no shame and you know you do it too so whats the point?

Lets all come out and say it... sometimes they watch three movies in a day.
(it must be ok... baby Einstein has a continuous play option!)
Often dry cereal is breakfast, and lunch...
and dinner is mac and cheese, while mommy and daddy get take out late.

Sometimes they eat the play-doh, throw goldfish at the dog, and run around in underpants and diapers for and hour or two.... or three....
anyone else notice when they are any degree of naked they wanna run?
What's that about? I don't know, I'm guessing its the feel of the wind...
but either way it makes em tired so I say faster kids faster!

Now if you will excuse me the movie is almost over and they need more goldfish in their little feed bags... see why we need some more nice weather, poor kids.

But I have to say I like the balance right now of inside days and outside days.
Makes me appreciate both... maybe a few more warm days would be good.
But sleepy movie days are nice now too.

Wonderland

 Our peanut is finally getting some chubby cheeks.... relatively speaking.

We haven't had a weight check yet but both Tom and I can see that she is growing with the help of some formula. It is a bittersweet relief.

I put her in a onesie today that says "...if they could just stay little."

It sounds good in theory.

No falling down and scraping knees, 

no nightmares and monsters in the closet,

no mean kids at school,

no broken hearts.

But if they stayed little I would also never get moments like this one...

Silly faces at three are different than silly faces at seven weeks...

Both funny, both make me smile... but that three year old beams when he makes his Mommy smile.

And then I smile twice, once for the silly face.. and once for his simple joy.

 I love having a little baby in the house again.

But if I had wished to keep Bella that way I would have missed out on this moment...

And then the five year old taught the almost two year old how to butter mama up...

melt my heart... you little pain in my butt.

And sometime in the shockingly near future, he will teach her.

I don't want to freeze this moment.... although I wish I could hold them always.

I want them to grow and learn, 

and I want so much to know the adults they will be as well as I know the children that they are.

I wish for them to remain joyful, and amazed.

I want to try harder everyday to teach them how to grow up well without growing up entirely...

 There is a quality of mind... receptive, open to wonder... that we call childlike, for it is children, who in their smallness, are most aware of the grandeur all around them. 

Happy are they, then, who remain small in their own eyes: 

Like Alice, they will find a wide vista beyond a little door.

~Cooper Edens

We told the kids today at dinner that we are going to the beach this summer.

To them the "beach" is a lake at a nearby state park.

We explained that this was different, there wouldn't be another shore within sight.

But I know that they have no clue what they are going to see... how do you explain the ocean?

They are at a beautiful age, where everything amazes and delights them.

We could take them to the city to see fireworks, or give them sparklers in the back yard.

It is all the same to them right now, amazing.

So instead of hauling to the city this summer to see fireworks, I'll give them the sparklers.

Instead of trekking to Florida to meet Mickey, we will make the short trip to Kennywood.

Eventually we will do those things and more I hope,

but why not let them be overwhelmed with wonder by these little things as long as possible?

We will however make that trip out to the Atlantic to take in that incredible view, and hopefully standing next to one of God's more obviously incredible creations I'll be able to see the grandeur my little ones see so easily every day.

*This post was inspired by that wonderful quote, I found it in a book the kids got from their Aunt Shari for Christmas, Its call "The Big Book of Little"  compile by Cooper Edens.
thanks so much Aunt Shari! We love it!!

Six Week Staycation

 I'm ready to start heading out a bit more now that the weather is warming up.

We have been living in our pj's for the last six weeks.
Staying home every chance we get.

Happily eating whatever junk is easy and available.

We have had pancakes so much it feels like a vacation with a breakfast bar.

No reason not to make a nice brunch when you are trying to be lazy and not go anywhere.

....that is only when we actually make it downstairs and out of our bed.

We bought a new one, a king instead of a queen so we could all fit for movies and early morning cuddling.

We had a rule about no kids coming into our bed but we have found that we can get at least an hour more sleep if we let them in and turn on the tv....
all "rules" went out the window after baby number three.

Sleep is vital and in short supply.

I will say that I felt funny about spending money on a bed... but now that I've slept in it?

Just try to take it back and see what I do.
Its heavenly.

Its so nice not to roll involuntarily into the middle... its all flat... no valley!

And to not hear about how I hog the bed, (which I do... I admit)
I wake up and can't tell if anyone else is there or not!

No more freezing cold feet kicking me in the stomach...
ok well at least not until the third child gets there.

And speaking of the third child and cuddle time.

Daniels very favored Aunt "G-G" is away for a bit and we are missing her much.

So these are for you GG... your baby fix.
The two "babies" cuddling on the couch...

Also took Vivi for her weight check today! She is up to 8 pounds 11 ounces!
She has gained 3 ounces in as many days... she is still tiny but we are headed in the right direction!