Seasonal Limbo

It's beginning to look a lot like springtime.
Today its beautiful... its sunny... and its freezing cold.

Ah well, I'm just hoping it gets nice in time for Easter, or at least Mother's day.
And we have had at least a few nice days that the kids could get out and play these last few weeks.

I couldn't find the right flowers to go above the piano so Julie made me this.

I love it, she does not... he art is usually a bit more dark, serious... sexy :) 

Stunning and moving but not usually involving flowers and ribbon.

Anyway I just had to show off her softer side... sorry Julie.
I know you'll hit me but I don't care, I'm high on all the fresh air.

Its so nice to be able to get out after a long winter,

especially a long winter spent very pregnant with three busy little kids.

But with spring comes rain... and I'm ok with that because it makes for a better nap that day.

Cloudy rainy days that follow days of sunshine and running around outdoors are the recipe for the three hour nap.  And even if only one or two of them nap for long its still a wonderful break for mommy.

And then there is always craft time when the April showers roll in,

also known as "mommy is desperate to make you shut up and sit still time"

My mother in law told me play-doh saved her sanity when she had her fourth baby...

I am dying to make a joke now about which child actually made her lose her sanity...
but I lover her so I won't ... ;)

So I decided to give the craft thing a spin when Aunt Gigi sent us some spring foam stickers in the mail....
I hate messes so this is as crafty as I wanna get... no paint or glue... thanks.

Daniel lost interest pretty quickly

but it still killed some time and made for some nice bright Easter art for my pantry door.

We tried play-doh the next day and it worked better for keeping Daniel occupied,

its seems that the best combination for Daniel is to give him play-doh and put on Toy Story 3.

I learned I can get a good hour of sitting still if I do that.
Did anyone else just hear the Hallelujah chorus???

And you can't judge me for using tv as a babysitter...
or rather you can, but I have no shame and you know you do it too so whats the point?

Lets all come out and say it... sometimes they watch three movies in a day.
(it must be ok... baby Einstein has a continuous play option!)
Often dry cereal is breakfast, and lunch...
and dinner is mac and cheese, while mommy and daddy get take out late.

Sometimes they eat the play-doh, throw goldfish at the dog, and run around in underpants and diapers for and hour or two.... or three....
anyone else notice when they are any degree of naked they wanna run?
What's that about? I don't know, I'm guessing its the feel of the wind...
but either way it makes em tired so I say faster kids faster!

Now if you will excuse me the movie is almost over and they need more goldfish in their little feed bags... see why we need some more nice weather, poor kids.

But I have to say I like the balance right now of inside days and outside days.
Makes me appreciate both... maybe a few more warm days would be good.
But sleepy movie days are nice now too.

Wonderland

 Our peanut is finally getting some chubby cheeks.... relatively speaking.

We haven't had a weight check yet but both Tom and I can see that she is growing with the help of some formula. It is a bittersweet relief.

I put her in a onesie today that says "...if they could just stay little."

It sounds good in theory.

No falling down and scraping knees, 

no nightmares and monsters in the closet,

no mean kids at school,

no broken hearts.

But if they stayed little I would also never get moments like this one...

Silly faces at three are different than silly faces at seven weeks...

Both funny, both make me smile... but that three year old beams when he makes his Mommy smile.

And then I smile twice, once for the silly face.. and once for his simple joy.

 I love having a little baby in the house again.

But if I had wished to keep Bella that way I would have missed out on this moment...

And then the five year old taught the almost two year old how to butter mama up...

melt my heart... you little pain in my butt.

And sometime in the shockingly near future, he will teach her.

I don't want to freeze this moment.... although I wish I could hold them always.

I want them to grow and learn, 

and I want so much to know the adults they will be as well as I know the children that they are.

I wish for them to remain joyful, and amazed.

I want to try harder everyday to teach them how to grow up well without growing up entirely...

 There is a quality of mind... receptive, open to wonder... that we call childlike, for it is children, who in their smallness, are most aware of the grandeur all around them. 

Happy are they, then, who remain small in their own eyes: 

Like Alice, they will find a wide vista beyond a little door.

~Cooper Edens

We told the kids today at dinner that we are going to the beach this summer.

To them the "beach" is a lake at a nearby state park.

We explained that this was different, there wouldn't be another shore within sight.

But I know that they have no clue what they are going to see... how do you explain the ocean?

They are at a beautiful age, where everything amazes and delights them.

We could take them to the city to see fireworks, or give them sparklers in the back yard.

It is all the same to them right now, amazing.

So instead of hauling to the city this summer to see fireworks, I'll give them the sparklers.

Instead of trekking to Florida to meet Mickey, we will make the short trip to Kennywood.

Eventually we will do those things and more I hope,

but why not let them be overwhelmed with wonder by these little things as long as possible?

We will however make that trip out to the Atlantic to take in that incredible view, and hopefully standing next to one of God's more obviously incredible creations I'll be able to see the grandeur my little ones see so easily every day.

*This post was inspired by that wonderful quote, I found it in a book the kids got from their Aunt Shari for Christmas, Its call "The Big Book of Little"  compile by Cooper Edens.
thanks so much Aunt Shari! We love it!!

Six Week Staycation

 I'm ready to start heading out a bit more now that the weather is warming up.

We have been living in our pj's for the last six weeks.
Staying home every chance we get.

Happily eating whatever junk is easy and available.

We have had pancakes so much it feels like a vacation with a breakfast bar.

No reason not to make a nice brunch when you are trying to be lazy and not go anywhere.

....that is only when we actually make it downstairs and out of our bed.

We bought a new one, a king instead of a queen so we could all fit for movies and early morning cuddling.

We had a rule about no kids coming into our bed but we have found that we can get at least an hour more sleep if we let them in and turn on the tv....
all "rules" went out the window after baby number three.

Sleep is vital and in short supply.

I will say that I felt funny about spending money on a bed... but now that I've slept in it?

Just try to take it back and see what I do.
Its heavenly.

Its so nice not to roll involuntarily into the middle... its all flat... no valley!

And to not hear about how I hog the bed, (which I do... I admit)
I wake up and can't tell if anyone else is there or not!

No more freezing cold feet kicking me in the stomach...
ok well at least not until the third child gets there.

And speaking of the third child and cuddle time.

Daniels very favored Aunt "G-G" is away for a bit and we are missing her much.

So these are for you GG... your baby fix.
The two "babies" cuddling on the couch...

Also took Vivi for her weight check today! She is up to 8 pounds 11 ounces!
She has gained 3 ounces in as many days... she is still tiny but we are headed in the right direction!

Post Partum Guilt Induced Rant.....

Six weeks as a family of six.

Do I dare to tell the truth?
How do you explain the hard things about mothering little ones without seeming ungrateful.

I am so completely and utterly overwhelmed by these four

they are exhausting both mentally and physically...

I am also overjoyed, often content, and endlessly happy.

I don't think I have the baby blues or postpartum depression, I'm feeling more....whats the word... neurotic?

One day we are good, things running smoothly, fairly clean house, pretty happy kids.

The next day there is more crying and screaming than talking.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

This is the most important thing I've ever had to do.

This is a life that in spite of every sleepless night and temper tantrum I wouldn't trade for anything.

Even though its been six weeks since she was born I still feel in some ways as though it was just yesterday.
She isn't gaining weight the way she should which is so discouraging because she seems to be such a good eater. We are nursing this time instead of bottle feeding.
I really can't explain why but I just felt I wanted to give it a try after three bottle fed babies.

And by not gaining I mean that she is actually losing weight.
At birth she was 9.1
At discharge she was 8.7
At six days she was 8.9
and shockingly at six weeks she was 8.4...

I increased her nighttime feedings over four days and she gained four ounces.  Now at 8.8
That was as of Tuesday and we are going in tomorrow to see if shes gained.
I have started adding in some formula too. I want to at least keep nursing her in the evenings and at night for a few more months but I can't see us lasting on just nursing alone.

I am frustrated because when I thought she was gaining I was enjoying nursing.
And I'm frustrated because there is always more I could do.
But how much is too much? If I take it to far I know that I'm going to make everyone else miserable.
I could get up every three hours at night and wake her to eat.
I could pump... I could take herbs and let her eat as long as she wants during the day
(which would be an hour every two hours...)

But it wouldn't make sense because I would just be doing whats best for Vivi.
Not whats best for Vivi, Daniel, Tommy, and Izzy.

It seems more and more in my life God is putting me in situations like this to give me better perspective.
Having kids seems to open you up to like nothing else.... no pun intended.

I can see why you would get the epidural, I can see why you would go all natural.
And now I can see why some women love to breastfeed... I can see why so many loathe it.
I certainly can see why going to work is appealing. I think I've worn makeup once this month....

Ironically the hardest part of making these choices for me is wondering what other people are thinking.
Not because I really care but because I am an explainer... I want everyone to see my side of things.
Its exhausting let me tell you.

Especially when I'm finding after five years that young mothers maybe the Least flexible people I've met.
 Everyone believes that there way is the right way, and I did too when I just had one.
Even when I had two I thought I knew almost everything.
But after three and four I realize that my way isn't the only way because "My way" has been a bit different every time we have add a new baby... sometimes more than a bit.

My oldest two nursed for just two weeks.
My third not at all.
My fourth going on seven weeks...
  ironically she is "starving" and number three has been a tank since he was a few months old.
My one year old is forward facing in the car.
My dog sits between the car seats too.
I hardly ever let my kids in my bed before dawn... but I do love having them there in the early morning.
I let them cry occasionally, when I think the situation is appropriate.
God help me for saying this but I believe spanking is in order sometimes...
I have vaccinated all of them.
I plan to homeschool them too.
I stay home with them.. its not always where I want to be but I believe its where I'm needed right now.

... but let me explain, cause that's what I do.
I can make it short and sweet.
I love them more than anyone, I know them better than anyone, and God gave them to me.
So I'll be the parent.

Now do you see why I haven't written in weeks? I am a ranting raving hormonal mess...
I promise many funny stories are coming soon.

Five

Five short years ago Isabella came into our lives and made "us" a family.

As I write this and see Vivian now here beside me I find myself marveling that just yesterday Bella was this tiny, new and helpless.

She slept in this Bassinet 

She wore this yellow sleeper with the pink trim.

That was her pink and purple binky.

I bought her that blanket for her first Christmas.

And now her babyhood is a memory.

I find it harder to complain about dinner time fussiness and midnight feedings in light of the milestone we have reached today.... our first "baby" is five.

I blinked and she is five.

She doesn't need me to lift her into the car,

she can even buckle herself now.

She can get her own snacks.

She gets dressed by herself in the morning, and puts herself in her PJ's at night.

She isn't a baby anymore, she isn't a toddler... she is barely a preschooler.

We will start Kindergarten this fall.

The other day I came home with just the boys, she stayed with Nana...

and it was then I realized how much she helps me, 

keep an eye on Daniel...

Run and let the dog out...

go and grab a diaper...

get Tommy's milk out of the fridge....

I wonder where five more years will take us.

What will our lives look like then?

A ten year old, an eight year old, a seven year old... and another five year old princess.

Certainly five years ago I didn't imagine we would be here with four blessings making a constant noise and mess. But there is no place else I'd rather be... 

ok, maybe a spa once a month or so... but you know what I mean.

And the amazing thing that I've begun to understand after five years of motherhood is that I need to stop looking ahead. Tomorrow, next week, next year... it will be here in no time.

I need to stop looking ahead and start looking around

I'm going to really watch tomorrow, how she looks when she sleepily crawls into my bed at sunrise.

How she plays with her brothers.

How she holds her new sister.

How she squeals when Daddy gets home, and how her eyes will light up when he hands her a gift.

And last but not least... how she looks in the glow of five candles on a birthday cake.

“Time is free, but it's priceless. 

You can't own it, but you can use it. 

You can't keep it, but you can spend it. 

Once you've lost it... you can never get it back.”

~Harvey MacKay

Two Weeks, Fourteen Days, Forever Ours

Vivian is two weeks old today.

I can't imagine life before her or without her.

I have taken to calling her Vivi.

Bella calls her "Sissy"... which I think is her way of protesting the fact that she didn't get to name her.

Tommy says "Bibian Drace" or Baby Bibian.

Daniel says "my baby" or Vivi like I do... only he yells it at the top of his lungs.

Her Daddy has his name for her too, Vi... like the beginning of Violet.

She is sweet and mostly sleepy. She is sleeping four hour stretches at night, even once for six hours!

 She is a great eater and after four bottle fed babies this time nursing is working well and is even enjoyable and so far pretty convenient... less dishes and no mixing bottles at two am.

She is fussy between dinner time and eleven or so at night... 

which works out fine because that's when Daddy comes home!

She likes to be held up on my shoulder and have her back patted.

She  has huge eyes just like her sister, but otherwise she looks most like Tommy when he was a baby.

She seems to be the first of our children to have dark hair, but she doesn't have much so we'll see.

So far having four kids is easier than I thought...

but maybe that's because I was just imagining the worst case scenarios.

Or maybe its easy cause we are only two weeks in and I've only been on my own for one.

Or maybe its because she is and "easy" baby, though what baby is really easy?

Anyway more about the goings on soon... its harder to type with one hand!

Vivian Grace

We are home. Snuggling and slowly settling into a new routine,

a new sort of normal.

...part of the "new normal" is doing everything with one hand... or less.

There is also less sleep than ever before.

But for me at least the quality of sleep is better than it was a week ago!

This was taken about five minutes before nap time.

 Even the littlest is feeling the effects of having a newborn in the house.

My kids NEVER fall asleep anywhere but they're beds... really they hardly ever even fall asleep in the car.

So this was first for us.

But let me rewind a minute here to a week ago and explain how she finally came into this world.

Last Tuesday we were scheduled for an induction. I was twelve long days past my due date.
Hospital policy says that they need to induce by fourteen days overdue. Of course I didn't have to but beyond that I was going against medical advice. So we decided on Tuesday simply because that was the day my usual Doctor would be in labor and delivery.
I was nervous because I really hate the thought of being induced.
I was induced with Bella and it took forever to get her here. And with her I had an epidural.
With this one I didn't want that.
I had a great epidural for Bella and Tommy's births...

But with Daniel they just couldn't get it right. They tried a few times to get it.
It hurt going in... and that is an understatement,
It didn't kill the pain at all.
It numbed only my legs so I had to stay in the bed anyway...
and when it was all over I got the headache that they warn you about.
It was blinding and I spent two days flat on my back in agony before they finally did a "blood patch" right before sending me home.
That is basically another needle in your back to stop the headache.
If you don't do it you might have the headache for up to six months.
As much as I didn't want to let them near me again I did. and it worked.
For about 48 hours.
Then it came back worse than before.

Back to the hospital for another blood patch.... except it didn't work.
The headache remained and that is when they started talking about meningitis.
Morphine wasn't helping me.
Over the next two days I got a spinal tap, two Mri's, a cat-scan, and every antibiotic they had intravenously.
I had people from infectious disease in my room in plastic suits covered from head to toe,
I wasn't allowed to have the baby with me.
In the end it was called chemical meningitis. It acts the same as the real thing because my body wasn't happy about all the foreign chemicals in my spinal fluid so it treated them like bacteria.

All that to explain that this time the epidural was no longer an option.
The fear of natural childbirth was overshadowed by the fear of another messy epidural.
I guess one in one-hundred people get the headache I got and to me it wasn't worth the chance.

But I can now say having made it through the delivery without the epidural that I'm pretty sure natural childbirth is as bad if not worse than that headache.
Its just less scary and much much shorter.

For our induction on Tuesday they said they would call between eight am and noon to tell us when to come in... they called just before eight while we were still in bed which was a huge blessing because it meant I didn't have to sit around all morning being a nervous wreck.

We made it to the hospital by eleven after dropping off the kids and grabbing a bite to eat for ourselves. We were in our room by one and they started the cervix medication.
After four hours they said they would check me and either give me more of the same or start the pitocin. So four hours of daytime tv and very few painless contractions later they checked me.
I was ready for bad news but once again our prayers were answered...
I was already four centimeters!

So we went to the pitocin which gave me more slightly painfull contractions and got me to six centimeters by seven thirty or eight... but I knew nothing would happen quickly unless they broke my water...  and I also knew that was when the real pain would start.
Which it did.

I can't imagine going through that for more than the two hours that I did.
Tom stayed with me every minute and held my hand through every pain.

His mom kept telling me everything she could think of to encourage or help me through.

And my mom just stood there offering encouragement when she could, I'm guessing she probably felt she didn't have much to offer compared to my husband, who is my whole world....
or my mother in law who has lots of delivery room experience.

But the thing that helped most was the look on her face.

It reminded me how of how I feel for my own children

Looking at her I knew that if she were able she would do this for me...
the hardest most painful thing ever.
I remember thinking that was the miracle of motherhood.
She would and did do this for me... and she'd do it again.

I think God showed me then that we were having a girl because I thought to myself...
she did this to have me, I am doing this for her... and someday I will see her in this place going through this herself and know that if I could I would do it all over again to spare her the pain.

So it was intense, it was awful, it was amazing,
and Thankfully once again God answered my prayers and kept it short!
At 10:27 pm after about fifteen minutes of pushing Vivian Grace was here.

God didn't answer my prayers in the way I had asked but He always knows better than I do in the end.

If she had been born on time she would have been exposed to all kinds of bugs that were going through our family at the time. Pneumonia, Bronchitis, ear infections, even RSV. 

We were able to calmly send the kids off to grammy's,

We got to spend the morning at home together at home quietly getting ready,

We had the fastest induction ever! my doctor was pretty obviously surprised by how fast it went.
We spent less than twelve hours in labor and delivery and really only the last two were very bad.
My mom and Tom's were both able to be there, no small thing with they're schedules!

Because we had her so early we got to come home on Thursday and enjoy a long weekend.

We were blessed, we learned a little more about patience and waiting for God's plan to unfold.

And its funny how the memory of the pain pales more every moment you hold them in your arms.