Post Partum Guilt Induced Rant.....

Six weeks as a family of six.

Do I dare to tell the truth?
How do you explain the hard things about mothering little ones without seeming ungrateful.

I am so completely and utterly overwhelmed by these four

they are exhausting both mentally and physically...

I am also overjoyed, often content, and endlessly happy.

I don't think I have the baby blues or postpartum depression, I'm feeling more....whats the word... neurotic?

One day we are good, things running smoothly, fairly clean house, pretty happy kids.

The next day there is more crying and screaming than talking.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

This is the most important thing I've ever had to do.

This is a life that in spite of every sleepless night and temper tantrum I wouldn't trade for anything.

Even though its been six weeks since she was born I still feel in some ways as though it was just yesterday.
She isn't gaining weight the way she should which is so discouraging because she seems to be such a good eater. We are nursing this time instead of bottle feeding.
I really can't explain why but I just felt I wanted to give it a try after three bottle fed babies.

And by not gaining I mean that she is actually losing weight.
At birth she was 9.1
At discharge she was 8.7
At six days she was 8.9
and shockingly at six weeks she was 8.4...

I increased her nighttime feedings over four days and she gained four ounces.  Now at 8.8
That was as of Tuesday and we are going in tomorrow to see if shes gained.
I have started adding in some formula too. I want to at least keep nursing her in the evenings and at night for a few more months but I can't see us lasting on just nursing alone.

I am frustrated because when I thought she was gaining I was enjoying nursing.
And I'm frustrated because there is always more I could do.
But how much is too much? If I take it to far I know that I'm going to make everyone else miserable.
I could get up every three hours at night and wake her to eat.
I could pump... I could take herbs and let her eat as long as she wants during the day
(which would be an hour every two hours...)

But it wouldn't make sense because I would just be doing whats best for Vivi.
Not whats best for Vivi, Daniel, Tommy, and Izzy.

It seems more and more in my life God is putting me in situations like this to give me better perspective.
Having kids seems to open you up to like nothing else.... no pun intended.

I can see why you would get the epidural, I can see why you would go all natural.
And now I can see why some women love to breastfeed... I can see why so many loathe it.
I certainly can see why going to work is appealing. I think I've worn makeup once this month....

Ironically the hardest part of making these choices for me is wondering what other people are thinking.
Not because I really care but because I am an explainer... I want everyone to see my side of things.
Its exhausting let me tell you.

Especially when I'm finding after five years that young mothers maybe the Least flexible people I've met.
 Everyone believes that there way is the right way, and I did too when I just had one.
Even when I had two I thought I knew almost everything.
But after three and four I realize that my way isn't the only way because "My way" has been a bit different every time we have add a new baby... sometimes more than a bit.

My oldest two nursed for just two weeks.
My third not at all.
My fourth going on seven weeks...
  ironically she is "starving" and number three has been a tank since he was a few months old.
My one year old is forward facing in the car.
My dog sits between the car seats too.
I hardly ever let my kids in my bed before dawn... but I do love having them there in the early morning.
I let them cry occasionally, when I think the situation is appropriate.
God help me for saying this but I believe spanking is in order sometimes...
I have vaccinated all of them.
I plan to homeschool them too.
I stay home with them.. its not always where I want to be but I believe its where I'm needed right now.

... but let me explain, cause that's what I do.
I can make it short and sweet.
I love them more than anyone, I know them better than anyone, and God gave them to me.
So I'll be the parent.

Now do you see why I haven't written in weeks? I am a ranting raving hormonal mess...
I promise many funny stories are coming soon.

Five

Five short years ago Isabella came into our lives and made "us" a family.

As I write this and see Vivian now here beside me I find myself marveling that just yesterday Bella was this tiny, new and helpless.

She slept in this Bassinet 

She wore this yellow sleeper with the pink trim.

That was her pink and purple binky.

I bought her that blanket for her first Christmas.

And now her babyhood is a memory.

I find it harder to complain about dinner time fussiness and midnight feedings in light of the milestone we have reached today.... our first "baby" is five.

I blinked and she is five.

She doesn't need me to lift her into the car,

she can even buckle herself now.

She can get her own snacks.

She gets dressed by herself in the morning, and puts herself in her PJ's at night.

She isn't a baby anymore, she isn't a toddler... she is barely a preschooler.

We will start Kindergarten this fall.

The other day I came home with just the boys, she stayed with Nana...

and it was then I realized how much she helps me, 

keep an eye on Daniel...

Run and let the dog out...

go and grab a diaper...

get Tommy's milk out of the fridge....

I wonder where five more years will take us.

What will our lives look like then?

A ten year old, an eight year old, a seven year old... and another five year old princess.

Certainly five years ago I didn't imagine we would be here with four blessings making a constant noise and mess. But there is no place else I'd rather be... 

ok, maybe a spa once a month or so... but you know what I mean.

And the amazing thing that I've begun to understand after five years of motherhood is that I need to stop looking ahead. Tomorrow, next week, next year... it will be here in no time.

I need to stop looking ahead and start looking around

I'm going to really watch tomorrow, how she looks when she sleepily crawls into my bed at sunrise.

How she plays with her brothers.

How she holds her new sister.

How she squeals when Daddy gets home, and how her eyes will light up when he hands her a gift.

And last but not least... how she looks in the glow of five candles on a birthday cake.

“Time is free, but it's priceless. 

You can't own it, but you can use it. 

You can't keep it, but you can spend it. 

Once you've lost it... you can never get it back.”

~Harvey MacKay

Two Weeks, Fourteen Days, Forever Ours

Vivian is two weeks old today.

I can't imagine life before her or without her.

I have taken to calling her Vivi.

Bella calls her "Sissy"... which I think is her way of protesting the fact that she didn't get to name her.

Tommy says "Bibian Drace" or Baby Bibian.

Daniel says "my baby" or Vivi like I do... only he yells it at the top of his lungs.

Her Daddy has his name for her too, Vi... like the beginning of Violet.

She is sweet and mostly sleepy. She is sleeping four hour stretches at night, even once for six hours!

 She is a great eater and after four bottle fed babies this time nursing is working well and is even enjoyable and so far pretty convenient... less dishes and no mixing bottles at two am.

She is fussy between dinner time and eleven or so at night... 

which works out fine because that's when Daddy comes home!

She likes to be held up on my shoulder and have her back patted.

She  has huge eyes just like her sister, but otherwise she looks most like Tommy when he was a baby.

She seems to be the first of our children to have dark hair, but she doesn't have much so we'll see.

So far having four kids is easier than I thought...

but maybe that's because I was just imagining the worst case scenarios.

Or maybe its easy cause we are only two weeks in and I've only been on my own for one.

Or maybe its because she is and "easy" baby, though what baby is really easy?

Anyway more about the goings on soon... its harder to type with one hand!

Vivian Grace

We are home. Snuggling and slowly settling into a new routine,

a new sort of normal.

...part of the "new normal" is doing everything with one hand... or less.

There is also less sleep than ever before.

But for me at least the quality of sleep is better than it was a week ago!

This was taken about five minutes before nap time.

 Even the littlest is feeling the effects of having a newborn in the house.

My kids NEVER fall asleep anywhere but they're beds... really they hardly ever even fall asleep in the car.

So this was first for us.

But let me rewind a minute here to a week ago and explain how she finally came into this world.

Last Tuesday we were scheduled for an induction. I was twelve long days past my due date.
Hospital policy says that they need to induce by fourteen days overdue. Of course I didn't have to but beyond that I was going against medical advice. So we decided on Tuesday simply because that was the day my usual Doctor would be in labor and delivery.
I was nervous because I really hate the thought of being induced.
I was induced with Bella and it took forever to get her here. And with her I had an epidural.
With this one I didn't want that.
I had a great epidural for Bella and Tommy's births...

But with Daniel they just couldn't get it right. They tried a few times to get it.
It hurt going in... and that is an understatement,
It didn't kill the pain at all.
It numbed only my legs so I had to stay in the bed anyway...
and when it was all over I got the headache that they warn you about.
It was blinding and I spent two days flat on my back in agony before they finally did a "blood patch" right before sending me home.
That is basically another needle in your back to stop the headache.
If you don't do it you might have the headache for up to six months.
As much as I didn't want to let them near me again I did. and it worked.
For about 48 hours.
Then it came back worse than before.

Back to the hospital for another blood patch.... except it didn't work.
The headache remained and that is when they started talking about meningitis.
Morphine wasn't helping me.
Over the next two days I got a spinal tap, two Mri's, a cat-scan, and every antibiotic they had intravenously.
I had people from infectious disease in my room in plastic suits covered from head to toe,
I wasn't allowed to have the baby with me.
In the end it was called chemical meningitis. It acts the same as the real thing because my body wasn't happy about all the foreign chemicals in my spinal fluid so it treated them like bacteria.

All that to explain that this time the epidural was no longer an option.
The fear of natural childbirth was overshadowed by the fear of another messy epidural.
I guess one in one-hundred people get the headache I got and to me it wasn't worth the chance.

But I can now say having made it through the delivery without the epidural that I'm pretty sure natural childbirth is as bad if not worse than that headache.
Its just less scary and much much shorter.

For our induction on Tuesday they said they would call between eight am and noon to tell us when to come in... they called just before eight while we were still in bed which was a huge blessing because it meant I didn't have to sit around all morning being a nervous wreck.

We made it to the hospital by eleven after dropping off the kids and grabbing a bite to eat for ourselves. We were in our room by one and they started the cervix medication.
After four hours they said they would check me and either give me more of the same or start the pitocin. So four hours of daytime tv and very few painless contractions later they checked me.
I was ready for bad news but once again our prayers were answered...
I was already four centimeters!

So we went to the pitocin which gave me more slightly painfull contractions and got me to six centimeters by seven thirty or eight... but I knew nothing would happen quickly unless they broke my water...  and I also knew that was when the real pain would start.
Which it did.

I can't imagine going through that for more than the two hours that I did.
Tom stayed with me every minute and held my hand through every pain.

His mom kept telling me everything she could think of to encourage or help me through.

And my mom just stood there offering encouragement when she could, I'm guessing she probably felt she didn't have much to offer compared to my husband, who is my whole world....
or my mother in law who has lots of delivery room experience.

But the thing that helped most was the look on her face.

It reminded me how of how I feel for my own children

Looking at her I knew that if she were able she would do this for me...
the hardest most painful thing ever.
I remember thinking that was the miracle of motherhood.
She would and did do this for me... and she'd do it again.

I think God showed me then that we were having a girl because I thought to myself...
she did this to have me, I am doing this for her... and someday I will see her in this place going through this herself and know that if I could I would do it all over again to spare her the pain.

So it was intense, it was awful, it was amazing,
and Thankfully once again God answered my prayers and kept it short!
At 10:27 pm after about fifteen minutes of pushing Vivian Grace was here.

God didn't answer my prayers in the way I had asked but He always knows better than I do in the end.

If she had been born on time she would have been exposed to all kinds of bugs that were going through our family at the time. Pneumonia, Bronchitis, ear infections, even RSV. 

We were able to calmly send the kids off to grammy's,

We got to spend the morning at home together at home quietly getting ready,

We had the fastest induction ever! my doctor was pretty obviously surprised by how fast it went.
We spent less than twelve hours in labor and delivery and really only the last two were very bad.
My mom and Tom's were both able to be there, no small thing with they're schedules!

Because we had her so early we got to come home on Thursday and enjoy a long weekend.

We were blessed, we learned a little more about patience and waiting for God's plan to unfold.

And its funny how the memory of the pain pales more every moment you hold them in your arms.

Abundant Life

I don't really have any words that seem to be able to explain our joy.

Her name is Vivian Grace... meaning "Abundant life and Grace".

 That is what we feel today.

Abundantly blessed... surrounded by this gift of life... and all because of Grace.

 

Our lives have been filled with so many sweet, screaming, needy,

beautiful blessings these last five years.

Bella was giddy about getting her sister.

This was her reaction when she was told it was a girl...

She then asked to be in charge of all clothing choices from now on...

I told her we could work on it together, she does have fabulous taste!

Also she thinks we all need matching toenail polish as soon as possible.

I agree.

Tommy was awe struck by how "tiny" she is... by the way she is 9lbs 1 oz. and 20 inches!

He kept asking to see her feet...  I know how he feels, they are just. so. cute.

I imagine someday he will be the natural father that his own father is.

And Daniel was the sweetest surprise of all... he called her "my baby".

And cried when we tried to take her back from him

 I'm all weepy just thinking about the protective older brother he has just become....

and he suddenly seems a lot taller too...

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes!!! 

God was with us through this is so many ways big and small.

Let me get just a little more sleep and a few more cute pictures and I'll tell you all about it soon.

The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly,

along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 

1 Timothy 1:14

Late as Ususal

The day after the "big day".

The day that has been circled on our calendar for about nine months.

Doing this for the fourth time I knew better than to get all hung up on that day.

I remember being pregnant with Bella and feeling more desperate to get her out with every hour she went over due... It was a long week but like all pregnancies it did eventually end,
much to my surprise.

Bella was a week late,

Tommy was two days late,

and Daniel was a shocking one day early... 

this should have been my first clue he would be the one to rock the boat even before he was born.

Happily God has used these times to make me more patient.

Now I think the "day after" is actually harder on all the people around me who are waiting to meet this baby... Poor Tom is aching to hold him or her, which makes me love him even more.

The kids have been distracted by being sick but now that they are on the mend the impatience is growing again, but for them its different. They never knew there was a "day" in mind... they just keep hearing really really soon or any day now.

My sister I know loves to hold my kids when they are sleepy newborns.

My sister in law can't wait to get the baby in front of her camera... 

and I can't wait to see what she can do!

I'm sure everyone is also really excited to see if its a girl or a boy.

This is new to us, we have always found out before hand.

I am finding it hard to believe that I still don't know what it is and at this point after months of speculating I think any intuition or even preference may have gone out the window.

All I can picture is a baby, wearing yellow, with no name.

Its very weird...

And given the pace of our lives these last few weeks and months with constantly sick kids and busy schedules I have to say at this point even that fact that the baby is about to arrive is just plain shocking.... where did the time go?

I have spent the last week up late and early with all three kids sick.

High fevers, intense coughing fits, runny noses.

We have been to the pediatrician twice. Once was yesterday on my due date.

The nurse and the doctors were amused and showed obvious pity.

On Tuesday we went for Daniel and I took Isabella just to be safe.

That day Daniel had the cold plus and ear infection and got some medicine. 

Bella gotta a pat on the head and instruction to rest.

Yesterday I took Bella back and took Tommy just to be safe... he was now where Bella was before.

This time Bella got the medicine with a diagnoses of pneumonia and bronchitis!

Tommy got medicine too because of the pattern we have seen and the fact that getting him back in a few days would be next to impossible since I will probably be in the hospital... 

I nearly kissed the doctor.

Then I got the pat on the head and the instruction to rest...

.....

and I will.

Right after I catch up the laundry,

scrub the shower,

change all the bedding,

wash our comforter,

clean out the refrigerator, 

run to the grocery store,

and have this baby.

For When Today has Become Yesterday

The purpose of my blogging is to document this crazy life with little ones so that someday we can look back through the haze of laundry, tantrums, holidays, illnesses, and endless hours of sesame street...

and remember what it was really like...

and how wonderful it really was in the midst of all the mess and stress.

What they did, said, played, loved, at 2 and 3 and so on.

The things that we are so often too busy to notice on the norm.

The lesser purpose is also to keep my sanity because I cannot afford a therapist... 

either in time or money.

So I ramble to the masses on the internet and feel better somehow.

I think its because it keeps me from talking to myself most of the time.

Tonight I write mostly to keep my sanity. But partly to remember too.

I feel the need to write because someday I bet my daughter will become a mother.
And I know she is going to come to me and ask all the tough questions.

I would give a lot to be able to flip a switch and see my mother and Tom's mother doing all the things I'm doing now.

Sadly my Mom is like me and has a horrible memory, and even if you think you remember something the passage of so much time has a way of changing the story... often I notice, making things seem easier than they really were.

Did they love every second of pregnancy? Did they act like crazy women at the end, like I do?

 I'd love to see what they did when we were all sick at once... and they were too.

To ask them what they were really thinking while they were driving to the pediatrician for the fourth time that month.... or week!

To see how many times a week they ended up in tears right along with the toddler.

Most likely they did things and felt a lot the way that I do now.

I just want to feel that I am normal, and that the women I respect and admire had days just like mine was today. Where they felt nothing could go right, and nothing would go right ever again.
I want some kind of evidence that this too shall pass.

 So this is for you Isabella.

Just in case you ever wonder someday.

Tomorrow is my due date for this fourth child we are happily expecting.

I find this at the moment to be utterly surreal because the last two days I have thought about this looming event very little.

Except of course to think that I am totally unprepared and I can't go into labor now.

Lord are you listening? NOT A GOOD TIME PLEASE....

You see right now Bella your fever is at 101. You have an awful cough that breaks my heart to hear. 

All you want is for me to hold you all the time. You have been in my bed by five am the last three days. And we have spent a lot of time in the bathroom with the hot shower running.

Daniel is coughing even worse than you and has and ear infection that is making his normally difficult temper downright unbearable. Apparently he feels the need to hit everyone who comes within arms reach when he doesn't feel good. 

And poor Tommy just wants Daniel to stop trying to punch him and play with him.
I'm afraid to say it but he too has now begun to cough and his cheeks are turning red...
yes I was right. He is getting a fever too.

Oh and the dryer has died officially...
and of course it would be ideal to be able to do the laundry when we bring the new baby home...
or better yet to just keep up with it before hand!
So last night your Dad was going to head out to get a new one.

Except he realized when he went to leave that his tail lights in the truck were broken.
So instead he spent and hour in the cold driveway trying to fix the problem...
he did but by then the store was closed.

So now tonight he finally brought one home.
And now that he has to maneuver a dryer into our basement he has decided that eight o'clock at night would be the perfect time to clean it out.

He has got a blazing fire now going in the snow in the back yard. Burning all the garbage he can find.
And here I sit listening for one of you to cry for me.
Or go into a coughing fit.
I feel overwhelmed and on the verge of tears.... again.
I find myself calling my mom just to say, "please pray they can get to sleep... 
tell me its going to be ok?"
 
This is not what I pictured doing nine months ago when I thought of February 16th.

But life is rarely what we imagine it will be.
And for the most part I cannot complain because my life so far has been so much more beautiful than anything I had dared to envision for myself.

That is the beauty of being a mother.
Somehow even at its worst it is still the best.

Its been a very long day with you all needing me much more than usual.
And being this pregnant I feel like I have much less to give.
I hate feeling helpless and without a plan,
so maybe that is part of God's purpose in putting us all through this.
Maybe ripping any semblance of control from my hands is His way of teaching me to be better,
calmer, more patient, less easily shaken.
Have more faith.

Someday this will be you I'm sure in one way or another.
Probably with your own kids.
But even if you don't have any kids of your own you will find that many things life will often overwhelm you.

Just so you know its normal to be overwhelmed.
Its ok to burst into tears multiple times a day... as God knows I have lately.
Its even better to turn those tears into prayers and ask God to get you through it.

"The honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah." ~ Amy Grant