Daddy at Dusk

Why am I sitting here blogging and yawning incessantly when all I want to be doing is sitting in my freshly made bed with a big bowl of popcorn and a cold drink?

 

Why?

 

Because the lovely little people in my life do adorable things, 

because the love of my life is the best father I could have imagined, 

because I want to remember these beautiful summer evenings forever.

 

Even when Tom is dog tired...

like got up at 5 a.m.

Drove and hour and a half to get to work a 9 hour day in the hot city...

Then drove and hour and half home to find an exhausted wife....

who's pitiful excuse for dinner was chicken nuggets and mac n cheese. 

He still finds the energy to show his kids he loves them.

 

One week and one day ago they planted these...

I realize its probably way to late in the season for sunflowers, 

but it was something I had planned to do with them months ago and never got around to. 

 

So no matter if they get as big as they should.... 

"we will grow something" Daddy said last Sunday.

They outgrew the little window pots in just a week.

Really they are perfect for preschoolers to grow because of the instant gratification.

They were so excited because they could really see the progress everyday.

And tonight it was time to transfer them outside.

So Daddy.... being the overachiever that he is.... decides we must build a flower box,

And those that do not work will not eat, so everyone must help.

 

Plus work is still fun and cool when your under six.

 

Especially if it involves Daddy's tools.

Then we took mommy's silverware outside... which I'm sure is where it still is..... and planted....

 They were dirty, sweaty and beaming by bedtime.

Maybe planting sunflowers will become a tradition for us.

Maybe next year we will plant them on time.

Maybe it doesn't really matter what we are doing or when as long as we're doing it together....

All fathers are invisible in daytime; 

daytime is ruled by mothers and fathers come out at night.

Darkness brings home fathers, with their real, unspeakable power. 

There is more to fathers than meets the eye.

Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eyes

12 Weeks, One Day, and One Beautiful Sound...

We went to my doctor's office at eight thirty this morning.

After a long two weeks and much nervousness we got what we had been praying for.

A strong little heartbeat.... 166 beats per minute.

I have so many thoughts and things to record... 

Most of all Tommy and Isabella's reaction.... finally getting to find out about their new best friend coming soon.

But for tonight I'm just going to breathe deep, relax and quietly sift though these many emotions.

 

Thank you for all of your prayers and comments! 

Keep them coming please!

only 28 more weeks to go.....

Time Well Wasted

Am I wasting time on things that don't matter?

Or am I enjoying wasting away my precious time with them?

Do I worry about the things I can't change, the little chores that will need done again in a day or two?

Or do I concern myself with the things that matter most...
the things so far removed from what is here and now...
diapers and tantrums.....
that they are almost impossible to wrap my head around.

The kind of people I want my kids to grow up to be, 

the parents they will be, 

the spouse they will be, 

the friend they will be.

Both I suppose.

I think that would be the honest answer of any mother.

 Someone has to keep things at least sanitary around here right?

Nice to meet you, I am somebody.

But, I must often stop and remind myself that this matters more than laundry,

or dusting,

or mopping,

or a healthy balanced meal.

Did I feed their soul's?

Their constantly growing imaginations?

Their seemingly endless need for love and cuddles and kisses...

If I didn't then the green beans I served them don't matter a bit.

Did I show them how to live life to the fullest today?

Did I call them to the window when the bunny showed up in the back yard?

Did I read them a book or just turn on the tv?

 Did I listen when she told me what was wrong with her baby dolls?

 Did I pay attention to him when he told me about the "bad guys"?

 Did I show them the wonder in God's creation?

Did I tell them again that there is a God who loves them even more than me?

No, a little but not enough..... 

I think if I understand anything about motherhood it is this, 

that even if I do more each day than the day before to mold them 

and teach them 

and love them....

it should still never be enough.

You always wonder if you should have given them more.

And the answer will always be yes, 

and there will always be guilt.

But the beauty lies in grace and the hope for tomorrow.

These kids God gave me show me each day how to love with abandon.

And their love is amazing and ironically selfish.

I guess mine is too in the end.

I want to do for them what they do for me.

Give them a hope, and a purpose, 

and an example of God's love

Fashion Show

We had LJ babysit last night... 

I would like to say that the children did this to her.

I would be strangely proud if they could drive someone insane in just four hours,

I would also feel better about the fact that I'm losing it slowly...

 but no...  she is always this weird.

Those are her little brothers underpants on her head by the way, my mom found them in her driveway and gave them to me.... 

Only a boy would leave underwear in a driveway... 

only LJ would choose to put them on her head, I bet she drove the whole way home like that too.

Thanks for the night out girls!

moving on...

I was looking through pictures for some writing inspiration today and all I could see was this...

My Children.... have stopped wearing pants.

Of course they are pretty young so the blame for this lies with me.... 

I'm going to blame it on potty training.

He is basically done but he still needs to go a lot and putting his pants back on each time seems silly.

He was watching for the ambulance that was going by.

And then for the baby, 

well... I hate doing laundry... 

so if its hot why dress him?

 Yes he is eating the zhu zhu pet...

his name is spotty and he was not harmed in the making of this photo.

He likes to help me put away the steak knives... 

just kidding... 

I only let them do the butter knives till they turn three.

But I exaggerate...

They are not always half naked.

The future generation, 

I need to remember that these two will be taking care of me someday.

I wonder if they'll dress me in weird outfits when I'm ninety and senile, 

and take pictures to put on facebook.....

I guess if I'm being honest I would hope they do, 

I think a sense a humor will be one of the more important qualities I instill in them.

Maybe I'll pretend to be crazy around eighty-five so I can see what they do... 

Is this becoming inappropriate? 

I think maybe.

Ok I'm done now... for now.

Lifestyles of the Young and Shameless

What did I do today?

Today I had to explain to my daughter why its inappropriate to draw pictures of mommy naked.

she patiently explained that she "didn't know how to draw clothes"

And in the drawing I was having a baby so I was "really happy"

Bahahahahaha! 

Oh honey are you in for a surprise.

Tommy told his daddy he would go to work with him and help "get you's all messy".

and he was going to wear his boots... because when you wear boots you mean business.

I overheard Isabella tell Tommy that her bible was "good new"

Guess it doesn't age well?

 I read Tommy three different books about ducks, and Isabella wanted me to read Hebrews.... 

for about one chapter and then she got bored.

Tommy never got bored of those ducks though.

Daniel somehow got his foot stuck under the piano and acted as though it was trying to eat him.

Isabella was once again faced with the sad reality that redbox movies are not here forever.

She cried for a llllooonnngggg time..... it was absurd. 

Drama queen... I'm still mad.

I went to help Tommy go potty and he informed me that

"I have to go bofs (both) mom... get out. I needs pribacy"

I caught Daniel trying very hard to turn on the stove!

I screamed and clapped my hands... he was startled to say the least...

I don't think he'll do that again soon.

Two out of  my three children have a "stomach bug"

Every time Tommy was upset with Isabella for being bossy, or taking a toy... she blamed it on "Diearrha's"

We ended the night with an hour long pillow fight with Daddy.

By bedtime the older two were crying and Daniel was looking back and forth between them confused.

Then he decided to mimic them.

It was loud....

But now its bedtime and all is quiet again, and I'm off to my couch to eat ice cream and put my feet up.

Every night around our house is like being in the eye of the hurricane of crazy... rest while you can.

Knowing, Feeling, Praying

Do you know me? 

If you do you know that patience is not my strong suit.

We went to the doctors yesterday, I am ten weeks pregnant... no heartbeat yet.

He swears this is normal and said I could come back in two weeks to check again,

if we don't get it then I will be sent in for an ultrasound.

I hate waiting.

I hate this horrible place of limbo,

its like a mean joke.

Either you will have a baby in February or you were just sick for the last ten weeks for no reason.

Just to ruin your summer.

Just to let your house fall apart.

Just to exhaust your poor husband.

I should say here that God is in control,

and He is...

I should say that he has a plan and a purpose, 

and He does....

I should say that I have faith that all things will work together for good, 

and I do.... honestly I do.

But right now I don't feel any of that... there is a big difference between knowing and feeling.

I feel scared, angry, anxious.... 

give it to God.

Thanks... not helpful...

see I've been here once, and I did give it to God.

I gave him that grief, 

that pain, 

that loss, 

that baby.

But knowing that we've lost a baby is different, 

its got finality.

I know were to take my suffering,

that I can carry to the cross easily.

But I don't know what to do with this joy mixed with fear.

The anticipation and excitement.... that feels like a little candle cupped in my hands in a storm of doubt.

So I will do what I always do.

I'll keep cuddling my babies and cooking their dinners.

I'll keep laughing at the weird things they say, 

I'll read them the same book three times, 

I'll play the loudest fastest songs I know so they can dance around the kitchen.

I'll fall exhausted into the arms I love every night.

And in between I'll pray like I breathe, 

in and out.

please God carry me, 

thank you no matter what, 

get me to next week, 

hold me together, 

Steady and constant.... like the rhythm of a heartbeat.

It was the best of times... it was the worst of times

Tom took the two oldest to the store today so it was just me and him....

Thinking about the fact that I'm about to have my fourth baby has got me thinking about when I had my first.

I am not the same mother...
thank God....

I remember jumping up to get her every time she cried,

preparing for a trip to the grocery store like it was a six month hike in the wilderness,

following every direction to the letter,

checking on her a million times a night,

waking up and realizing it was morning and we had all slept... all night!

and then panicking and checking on her breathing before celebrating the new milestone.

Yeah.... looking back I'd say my new mother psychosis was making everything a good bit harder than it really needed to be.

So now when my friends with one kid talk about the hardships of trips to the store or late nights with the baby.... 

I might be just a tiny bit judgmental.... only a tad.

Its just that now I  feel like now I really know what hard is.

The baby is in a "shrieking phase".

I can't stand screaming.

Tommy is in a "why?" phase.

And anytime I try to explain he looks at me like I'm a drunk speaking a foreign language

and when I don't try to explain he just says why louder repeatedly and I feel guilty and angry all at once.

I can't stand feeling guilty.

Isabella I would say is always overly emotional 

... but lately that part of her personality has particular prominence.

Couple that with the fact that she is being extra defiant, 

(like making me ask her way more than once to do or not do something.)

And Mama has reached her breaking point.

Its not all sunshine and roses here.

Its messy and emotional and exhausting.

The other night Tom and I got the kids in bed and we both immediately fell asleep on the couch....
for an hour and a half....

Sitting up.

So what is my point?
Well today for an hour I had just the baby.... easy....
oh no... of course not...
Pride cometh before the fall.

My first mistake was giving him noodles with spaghetti sauce for dinner.
The mess was overwhelming.
But I'm super mom and he is one baby... no problem.

His clothes were a mess to so I just stuck him in the bath empty and undressed him in there.
Took off the messy outfit and stuck it in the sink behind me to soak.
Went to take off his diaper.... uh-oh... messy poo.
this has happened to me before.
amateur mistake, I should know better.

ok.... ok... just unplug the drain and use my hands *gag* to wash it down the drain...

Uh-oh again...

water in the sink is still running...

sink is plugged....  
SINK IS OVERFLOWING!!!

Baby is wet and screaming and covered in poo and spaghetti...

can't let go of baby!

CAN'T REACH SINK!!!!!

So I bit the bullet and picked up the soaking wet slightly poo and spaghetti covered baby and reached the sink plug..... way to late.

Rug, towels, slippers, me... all soaked.

Oh and the whole time this fiasco is playing out in my bathroom... this song is playing on the radio...
loudly... and never ending.

Everybody's got their something.... be it one baby or ten.

I am sorry God for my judgmental attitude.... my job is hard but no mothers job is ever easy.
lesson learned.... no more ok?