Knowing, Feeling, Praying

Do you know me? 

If you do you know that patience is not my strong suit.

We went to the doctors yesterday, I am ten weeks pregnant... no heartbeat yet.

He swears this is normal and said I could come back in two weeks to check again,

if we don't get it then I will be sent in for an ultrasound.

I hate waiting.

I hate this horrible place of limbo,

its like a mean joke.

Either you will have a baby in February or you were just sick for the last ten weeks for no reason.

Just to ruin your summer.

Just to let your house fall apart.

Just to exhaust your poor husband.

I should say here that God is in control,

and He is...

I should say that he has a plan and a purpose, 

and He does....

I should say that I have faith that all things will work together for good, 

and I do.... honestly I do.

But right now I don't feel any of that... there is a big difference between knowing and feeling.

I feel scared, angry, anxious.... 

give it to God.

Thanks... not helpful...

see I've been here once, and I did give it to God.

I gave him that grief, 

that pain, 

that loss, 

that baby.

But knowing that we've lost a baby is different, 

its got finality.

I know were to take my suffering,

that I can carry to the cross easily.

But I don't know what to do with this joy mixed with fear.

The anticipation and excitement.... that feels like a little candle cupped in my hands in a storm of doubt.

So I will do what I always do.

I'll keep cuddling my babies and cooking their dinners.

I'll keep laughing at the weird things they say, 

I'll read them the same book three times, 

I'll play the loudest fastest songs I know so they can dance around the kitchen.

I'll fall exhausted into the arms I love every night.

And in between I'll pray like I breathe, 

in and out.

please God carry me, 

thank you no matter what, 

get me to next week, 

hold me together, 

Steady and constant.... like the rhythm of a heartbeat.

It was the best of times... it was the worst of times

Tom took the two oldest to the store today so it was just me and him....

Thinking about the fact that I'm about to have my fourth baby has got me thinking about when I had my first.

I am not the same mother...
thank God....

I remember jumping up to get her every time she cried,

preparing for a trip to the grocery store like it was a six month hike in the wilderness,

following every direction to the letter,

checking on her a million times a night,

waking up and realizing it was morning and we had all slept... all night!

and then panicking and checking on her breathing before celebrating the new milestone.

Yeah.... looking back I'd say my new mother psychosis was making everything a good bit harder than it really needed to be.

So now when my friends with one kid talk about the hardships of trips to the store or late nights with the baby.... 

I might be just a tiny bit judgmental.... only a tad.

Its just that now I  feel like now I really know what hard is.

The baby is in a "shrieking phase".

I can't stand screaming.

Tommy is in a "why?" phase.

And anytime I try to explain he looks at me like I'm a drunk speaking a foreign language

and when I don't try to explain he just says why louder repeatedly and I feel guilty and angry all at once.

I can't stand feeling guilty.

Isabella I would say is always overly emotional 

... but lately that part of her personality has particular prominence.

Couple that with the fact that she is being extra defiant, 

(like making me ask her way more than once to do or not do something.)

And Mama has reached her breaking point.

Its not all sunshine and roses here.

Its messy and emotional and exhausting.

The other night Tom and I got the kids in bed and we both immediately fell asleep on the couch....
for an hour and a half....

Sitting up.

So what is my point?
Well today for an hour I had just the baby.... easy....
oh no... of course not...
Pride cometh before the fall.

My first mistake was giving him noodles with spaghetti sauce for dinner.
The mess was overwhelming.
But I'm super mom and he is one baby... no problem.

His clothes were a mess to so I just stuck him in the bath empty and undressed him in there.
Took off the messy outfit and stuck it in the sink behind me to soak.
Went to take off his diaper.... uh-oh... messy poo.
this has happened to me before.
amateur mistake, I should know better.

ok.... ok... just unplug the drain and use my hands *gag* to wash it down the drain...

Uh-oh again...

water in the sink is still running...

sink is plugged....  
SINK IS OVERFLOWING!!!

Baby is wet and screaming and covered in poo and spaghetti...

can't let go of baby!

CAN'T REACH SINK!!!!!

So I bit the bullet and picked up the soaking wet slightly poo and spaghetti covered baby and reached the sink plug..... way to late.

Rug, towels, slippers, me... all soaked.

Oh and the whole time this fiasco is playing out in my bathroom... this song is playing on the radio...
loudly... and never ending.

Everybody's got their something.... be it one baby or ten.

I am sorry God for my judgmental attitude.... my job is hard but no mothers job is ever easy.
lesson learned.... no more ok?

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Its the time of year when I go back in time.

My heart is in a vice, my throat is choked up with emotions I won't let past.

The crying is inevitable, even though I try not to

Every year at this time the wound is ripped open and raw again.

Just like it was the day he died.

There are the tears for what never was...

the meal we had said we would have together soon.

there are the tears for what never will be....

him meeting my husband, or kids, or grand kids.

There are the tears for what was lost....

a good friend, a time in my life that was in some ways more innocent.

 

I never know what will set me off.

 

Sometimes it seeing "his" truck.

 

Sometimes its the lights from the carnival rides at the annual Farm Show.

 

Sometimes its a song... 

that was it today.

Its actually a few weeks early for me to be having this breakdown, but this song was a killer

 

If I die young bury me in satin,

Lay me down on a bed of roses, 

Sink me in the river at dawn,

Send me away with the words of a love song

 

Lord make me a rainbow,

I'll shine down on my mother, 

She'll know I'm safe with You when she stands under my colors,

Life ain't always what you think it ought to be

ain't even grey but she buries her baby.

 

The sharp knife of a short life...

well I've had just enough time. 

 

So even though its well after midnight and the house is asleep, I can't seem to turn off my head

I'm sitting here listening to sad songs 

and thinking of a boy I used to know... 

who sadly wouldn't even know the woman I've become.

I often wonder what he would think of all that's happened in these years he's missed.

But I hope if God had written a different future for him that I would have been a part of it.

That we would have stayed friends in spite of time and geography and different opinions.

Either way... we were friends once and that is what keeps me coming back to that time every August.

It hurts, and its sad, but I hope in fifty years, 

August of 2060...

that I'm taking this same trip back in time, keeping alive the part of him that I get to keep

remembering 

 

him helping paint my room blue, 

 

cooking bacon for me so I wouldn't get burned...  

with his shirt off to show me I was a big baby,

 

fixing a huge dent in his car in my basement so his parents wouldn't see,

 

spinning my dad's walking stick like a ninja...  

until he broke the globe on the overhead light,

 

cayenne pepper...on everything,

 

spell checking his poetry... it was beautiful.... 

his spelling was awful,

 

listening to him and my dad come up with creative ways to cut short the life of my current boyfriend... 

don't worry they never got out of the planning stages,

 

 dancing at a middle school dance, 

 

watching movies for two days in a row because we could,

 

Seeing him one last time at the farm show, just by chance.

 

Well I don't really believe in chance anymore.

So thank you God for at least letting me say goodbye to him.

But I'm gonna hold onto the memories.

Making a Mess... of Everything.

It's getting messy here

This is one of my survival tactics, let the children run wild and play with every toy we own at once.

It's to hot to be outside for very long and I am constantly queasy.... it works ok?

And when it stops working?
We go trash Nana's house!

This week Tommy and Bella got a crash course in shucking corn.

Bella look at the camera!?

 No... honey, look at the circle!

 close enough.....

He'll be a pro by next summer... don't worry.

Unfortunately there is nowhere that is really safe for us.

Even at Nana's house things can and do happen.

The thing is .... I'm not sure how this happened.

I didn't look up until she screamed.

That would be Thomas the train stuck on her head... its one of those types that you pull back to wind up.

Somehow she wound it up on her head and we couldn't get it off.

The child is gifted.

We cut it out in the end and you can hardly notice..

As soon as we did the the little wheel spun around about ten times. 

It was clearly the only way.

And Nana? 

I know you're probably not very happy with me that you are in the backround of every picture....

in your bathing suit....  

wearing Daddy's glasses...

I agree you ususally look better.

So here is a bad picture of me to make it even....

See how much I love you? 

A Lazy Nine Months

We had a long fun weekend... sadly that is not what I want to write about...

I am a bad mother today.

I mean it.... today I failed to accomplish anything worthwhile.

I slept on the couch while Bella played until the boys woke up... around ten thirty....

No one but Bella ever really go dressed for the day, she only did because she insisted.

I think she held out some vain hope that by getting dressed she might actually get mommy to go somewhere.

She always wants to go somewhere.

 

But today that was not to be, today I was exhausted from the weekend and gestating.

Today mommy was in survival mode.

We watched way to much tv.... by that I mean pretty much constantly.

We didn't get out the the clothes we slept in.

We ate only that which required nothing more than a microwave.

We avoided the heat and finally turned on the ac full blast.

I feel bad... but everyone needs a throw away day now and then.

I will get back on my game... 

they will be dressed! 

they will be bathed! 

and fed nutritious food!

and entertained with educational toys and my undivided attention!

Just give me another nine months.... I'm feeling a bit nauseated just now....

The Older the Fiddler, The Sweeter the Tune.

Its Birthday time again.

He really loved the cake, he was just mad that it was all gone....I can relate buddy...

We had a great time on Daniel's birthday, except for the fact that it was like a monsoon for the first two hours,

I'm not kidding, I had to let people borrow clothes and put their stuff in the dryer.

otherwise, lots of fun....

and mud... 

this is Tom trying to direct the water that was creating a swimming pool in front of our porch.

Notice the happy birthday banner on the tent was also destroyed.

That was Tommy's when he was a baby... 

I can't talk about it yet....

Anyway..

I learned something new about my husband...

He can make balloon animals....

 *crickets chirping*

there is no punch line, 

I'm serious....

It makes me wonder what else I don't know after five years of marriage???

Should I just assume I will never know everything???

Is he capable of doing anything the children or I ask of him???

It's starting to look that way.....

oh wait... 

nevermind, one thing he can't do.....he is never on time for anything!

HA! 

Do I seem as bitter as I feel?

I feel like if anymore hidden talents come to light I'm going to develop and inferiority complex....

who am I kidding I think I already have one.

This is a tough act to follow people.

They already love him more simply because he is around less...

and therefore he yells less...

But now I have to learn party tricks to keep up with him?

Of course I'm kidding..... mostly.

Anyway... Ten days after Daniels Birthday, and today is mine.

I am 27... which is starting to "feel" old... maybe because I can see thirty over the horizon...

Maybe because I'm finally entering that magical time everyone said would come.... 

the time were I don't really care anymore what most people think.... 

of anything.....

Maybe this seems silly but I used to care a lot... a whole lot.

I still do but not like I did.

The vanity of the teenage years is fading, replaced by a quiet comfortableness.

The vagueness of the future,
the millions of ideas and the excitement over every new thing is replaced by consistency and a realization of what is going to make me happy.... 

what is lasting, 

what truly matters.

Like a morning dream,

life becomes more and more bright the longer we live, 

and the reason of everything appears more clear.
- Jean Paul Richter

And Then There Were Four!

I've been sleepy lately, exhausted is more like it.

I cannot keep my eye's open in the morning.

And I fall into bed earlier and earlier each day.

I am constantly ravenously hungry, but nothing really sounds appealing.
And then I eat one bite to much and I feel instantly nauseated.
I am misplacing everything.
Including my husbands keys...
sorry again babe...
I have no energy to write even though I have lots to say and lots of cute pictures to post.
And if I were to write about anything important I would probably end up putting my foot in my mouth.
My hormones are raging, I am constantly crying about everything, both happy and sad.
For example Tom did the dishes the other night when I was showering and I was so grateful that I cried.
Seriously...
and its not like he doesn't help... he does... a lot.... I am just nuts....

So???

Have you figured it out yet?

yep... I am pregnant!

We are hoping and praying that there will be a healthy little bundle in our arms in February.
Would you pray for that with us?
Now that we have lost a baby its hard not to be nervous about it happening again.
And we are very early, we have not yet heard a heartbeat.
I realize that most people don't like to tell anyone until they are reassured that everything is fine.
But I don't see the point, I'm an open book. If I think something then chances are I say it too.
Even if I wanted to keep it a secret its way obvious to anyone who knows me...
I become like another person....
see above symptoms.

We have a doctors appointment to hear the little ones heartbeat at the end of July.
I've got a million thoughts in my head but for now I'll stop here.
If you pray, then pray for our little one to grow and be strong.