The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Its the time of year when I go back in time.

My heart is in a vice, my throat is choked up with emotions I won't let past.

The crying is inevitable, even though I try not to

Every year at this time the wound is ripped open and raw again.

Just like it was the day he died.

There are the tears for what never was...

the meal we had said we would have together soon.

there are the tears for what never will be....

him meeting my husband, or kids, or grand kids.

There are the tears for what was lost....

a good friend, a time in my life that was in some ways more innocent.

 

I never know what will set me off.

 

Sometimes it seeing "his" truck.

 

Sometimes its the lights from the carnival rides at the annual Farm Show.

 

Sometimes its a song... 

that was it today.

Its actually a few weeks early for me to be having this breakdown, but this song was a killer

 

If I die young bury me in satin,

Lay me down on a bed of roses, 

Sink me in the river at dawn,

Send me away with the words of a love song

 

Lord make me a rainbow,

I'll shine down on my mother, 

She'll know I'm safe with You when she stands under my colors,

Life ain't always what you think it ought to be

ain't even grey but she buries her baby.

 

The sharp knife of a short life...

well I've had just enough time. 

 

So even though its well after midnight and the house is asleep, I can't seem to turn off my head

I'm sitting here listening to sad songs 

and thinking of a boy I used to know... 

who sadly wouldn't even know the woman I've become.

I often wonder what he would think of all that's happened in these years he's missed.

But I hope if God had written a different future for him that I would have been a part of it.

That we would have stayed friends in spite of time and geography and different opinions.

Either way... we were friends once and that is what keeps me coming back to that time every August.

It hurts, and its sad, but I hope in fifty years, 

August of 2060...

that I'm taking this same trip back in time, keeping alive the part of him that I get to keep

remembering 

 

him helping paint my room blue, 

 

cooking bacon for me so I wouldn't get burned...  

with his shirt off to show me I was a big baby,

 

fixing a huge dent in his car in my basement so his parents wouldn't see,

 

spinning my dad's walking stick like a ninja...  

until he broke the globe on the overhead light,

 

cayenne pepper...on everything,

 

spell checking his poetry... it was beautiful.... 

his spelling was awful,

 

listening to him and my dad come up with creative ways to cut short the life of my current boyfriend... 

don't worry they never got out of the planning stages,

 

 dancing at a middle school dance, 

 

watching movies for two days in a row because we could,

 

Seeing him one last time at the farm show, just by chance.

 

Well I don't really believe in chance anymore.

So thank you God for at least letting me say goodbye to him.

But I'm gonna hold onto the memories.

Making a Mess... of Everything.

It's getting messy here

This is one of my survival tactics, let the children run wild and play with every toy we own at once.

It's to hot to be outside for very long and I am constantly queasy.... it works ok?

And when it stops working?
We go trash Nana's house!

This week Tommy and Bella got a crash course in shucking corn.

Bella look at the camera!?

 No... honey, look at the circle!

 close enough.....

He'll be a pro by next summer... don't worry.

Unfortunately there is nowhere that is really safe for us.

Even at Nana's house things can and do happen.

The thing is .... I'm not sure how this happened.

I didn't look up until she screamed.

That would be Thomas the train stuck on her head... its one of those types that you pull back to wind up.

Somehow she wound it up on her head and we couldn't get it off.

The child is gifted.

We cut it out in the end and you can hardly notice..

As soon as we did the the little wheel spun around about ten times. 

It was clearly the only way.

And Nana? 

I know you're probably not very happy with me that you are in the backround of every picture....

in your bathing suit....  

wearing Daddy's glasses...

I agree you ususally look better.

So here is a bad picture of me to make it even....

See how much I love you? 

A Lazy Nine Months

We had a long fun weekend... sadly that is not what I want to write about...

I am a bad mother today.

I mean it.... today I failed to accomplish anything worthwhile.

I slept on the couch while Bella played until the boys woke up... around ten thirty....

No one but Bella ever really go dressed for the day, she only did because she insisted.

I think she held out some vain hope that by getting dressed she might actually get mommy to go somewhere.

She always wants to go somewhere.

 

But today that was not to be, today I was exhausted from the weekend and gestating.

Today mommy was in survival mode.

We watched way to much tv.... by that I mean pretty much constantly.

We didn't get out the the clothes we slept in.

We ate only that which required nothing more than a microwave.

We avoided the heat and finally turned on the ac full blast.

I feel bad... but everyone needs a throw away day now and then.

I will get back on my game... 

they will be dressed! 

they will be bathed! 

and fed nutritious food!

and entertained with educational toys and my undivided attention!

Just give me another nine months.... I'm feeling a bit nauseated just now....

The Older the Fiddler, The Sweeter the Tune.

Its Birthday time again.

He really loved the cake, he was just mad that it was all gone....I can relate buddy...

We had a great time on Daniel's birthday, except for the fact that it was like a monsoon for the first two hours,

I'm not kidding, I had to let people borrow clothes and put their stuff in the dryer.

otherwise, lots of fun....

and mud... 

this is Tom trying to direct the water that was creating a swimming pool in front of our porch.

Notice the happy birthday banner on the tent was also destroyed.

That was Tommy's when he was a baby... 

I can't talk about it yet....

Anyway..

I learned something new about my husband...

He can make balloon animals....

 *crickets chirping*

there is no punch line, 

I'm serious....

It makes me wonder what else I don't know after five years of marriage???

Should I just assume I will never know everything???

Is he capable of doing anything the children or I ask of him???

It's starting to look that way.....

oh wait... 

nevermind, one thing he can't do.....he is never on time for anything!

HA! 

Do I seem as bitter as I feel?

I feel like if anymore hidden talents come to light I'm going to develop and inferiority complex....

who am I kidding I think I already have one.

This is a tough act to follow people.

They already love him more simply because he is around less...

and therefore he yells less...

But now I have to learn party tricks to keep up with him?

Of course I'm kidding..... mostly.

Anyway... Ten days after Daniels Birthday, and today is mine.

I am 27... which is starting to "feel" old... maybe because I can see thirty over the horizon...

Maybe because I'm finally entering that magical time everyone said would come.... 

the time were I don't really care anymore what most people think.... 

of anything.....

Maybe this seems silly but I used to care a lot... a whole lot.

I still do but not like I did.

The vanity of the teenage years is fading, replaced by a quiet comfortableness.

The vagueness of the future,
the millions of ideas and the excitement over every new thing is replaced by consistency and a realization of what is going to make me happy.... 

what is lasting, 

what truly matters.

Like a morning dream,

life becomes more and more bright the longer we live, 

and the reason of everything appears more clear.
- Jean Paul Richter

And Then There Were Four!

I've been sleepy lately, exhausted is more like it.

I cannot keep my eye's open in the morning.

And I fall into bed earlier and earlier each day.

I am constantly ravenously hungry, but nothing really sounds appealing.
And then I eat one bite to much and I feel instantly nauseated.
I am misplacing everything.
Including my husbands keys...
sorry again babe...
I have no energy to write even though I have lots to say and lots of cute pictures to post.
And if I were to write about anything important I would probably end up putting my foot in my mouth.
My hormones are raging, I am constantly crying about everything, both happy and sad.
For example Tom did the dishes the other night when I was showering and I was so grateful that I cried.
Seriously...
and its not like he doesn't help... he does... a lot.... I am just nuts....

So???

Have you figured it out yet?

yep... I am pregnant!

We are hoping and praying that there will be a healthy little bundle in our arms in February.
Would you pray for that with us?
Now that we have lost a baby its hard not to be nervous about it happening again.
And we are very early, we have not yet heard a heartbeat.
I realize that most people don't like to tell anyone until they are reassured that everything is fine.
But I don't see the point, I'm an open book. If I think something then chances are I say it too.
Even if I wanted to keep it a secret its way obvious to anyone who knows me...
I become like another person....
see above symptoms.

We have a doctors appointment to hear the little ones heartbeat at the end of July.
I've got a million thoughts in my head but for now I'll stop here.
If you pray, then pray for our little one to grow and be strong.

Daniel Elijah

About one year ago...

This was me on the morning of June 19th. 

This was my third child but it was the first time I'd ever gone into labor on my own.

Just a few hours later we met Daniel.

He was loud...and he still is, hands down, our most vocal baby.

It is amazing to me that this little boy who has become as familiar to me as my own heartbeat was not yet in my arms a year ago.

How is it that life before him seems hazy and kind of unreal?

Why does it not seem possible that we have only held him for a year?

How can we love so deeply, and so instantly.... and still continue to function?

It's like that with each child you add to the family, from the moment you find out your expecting something changes and will never be the same.

The greatest miracle in this whole parenthood thing to me is the fact that even with all the pain

both physical and emotional, 

with all the fears for them and ourselves, 

with the assurance that one day the children who are a part of you 

who you have given yourself to everyday

will leave you and start a life on their own...

We still do it.

Joyfully, willingly, repeatedly...

We step onto the path of motherhood with shaking hands, from both fear and excitement.

The highest highs and the lowest lows, that is how my mother describes it.

So far, thank God, this year has had way more highs than lows....

Hopefully sometime soon I'll get a chance to write the story of Daniels dramatic entrance into this world.

Or rather the dramatic week that followed.

that was a low... but God taught me so much through that time.

 For today, Happy almost Birthday to my littlest little one.

I love you more than words can say, 

I'll love you longer than anyone can fathom, 

I can't wait to see the beautiful person you will become.

Pouring concrete and Potty training... Part Two

Sorry it took me so long for part two, we are about to have a busy weekend and we are trying to make the house presentable, 

somehow being under a deadline helps Tom and I both to get the little things done around here.

This weekend we have Father's Day of course, and then we have a special birthday.

Daniel is leaving babyhood behind, and turning one.

 I am in denial.

And having a party without his best buddy AJ who left him to go to Florida,

(He won't forgive you... just so you know.... Lucky for you he's got a short memory.)

 So I've got lots to do and less time to do it in!

Quickly I will show you the patio and then I will get away from this darn computer and clean something!!!

hopefully...
right after I check facebook.....

The chimney still needs a few more bricks, but we are mostly "done" 

So here is the patio... we went from this

to this....

Soon there will be grass, I am not a patient person so its gonna be a long couple weeks for me.

First thing we did once the cement was dry was buy the tent... there is no shade on the patio yet.
We planted some maple trees two summers ago but it will still be a while before they are big enough to help with the heat.
But at night its the perfect place to relax.
When Tom showed me these lights I thought they were gaudy and  much too big.....
I am eating my words.
They are perfect.

But this might be the best part of all...

the kids now have a place to ride bikes...

and that makes them sleepy..

and I love me some nap time.

Ok so now I must go get ready for the fun crazy, busy, weekend ahead.

I'm going to soak up my last day with this little eleven month old.... make it last as long as I can.


In between shopping and cleaning and making sure this one doesn't pee in his "Buzzy" underpants.
Or "make wocks" as he calls it....

and making sure this one doesn't join the circus, or become a blue's brother.

They get weirder everyday... she want's to brush her teeth constantly now...
When I was a kid brushing my teeth was like torture.

Oh well.... at least they are clean... really clean.