Thursday, April 14, 2011

Post Partum Guilt Induced Rant.....

Six weeks as a family of six.
Do I dare to tell the truth?
How do you explain the hard things about mothering little ones without seeming ungrateful.
I am so completely and utterly overwhelmed by these four
they are exhausting both mentally and physically...
I am also overjoyed, often content, and endlessly happy.
I don't think I have the baby blues or postpartum depression, I'm feeling more....whats the word... neurotic?

One day we are good, things running smoothly, fairly clean house, pretty happy kids.
The next day there is more crying and screaming than talking.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
This is the most important thing I've ever had to do.
This is a life that in spite of every sleepless night and temper tantrum I wouldn't trade for anything.

Even though its been six weeks since she was born I still feel in some ways as though it was just yesterday.
She isn't gaining weight the way she should which is so discouraging because she seems to be such a good eater. We are nursing this time instead of bottle feeding.
I really can't explain why but I just felt I wanted to give it a try after three bottle fed babies.

And by not gaining I mean that she is actually losing weight.
At birth she was 9.1
At discharge she was 8.7
At six days she was 8.9
and shockingly at six weeks she was 8.4...

I increased her nighttime feedings over four days and she gained four ounces.  Now at 8.8
That was as of Tuesday and we are going in tomorrow to see if shes gained.
I have started adding in some formula too. I want to at least keep nursing her in the evenings and at night for a few more months but I can't see us lasting on just nursing alone.

I am frustrated because when I thought she was gaining I was enjoying nursing.
And I'm frustrated because there is always more I could do.
But how much is too much? If I take it to far I know that I'm going to make everyone else miserable.
I could get up every three hours at night and wake her to eat.
I could pump... I could take herbs and let her eat as long as she wants during the day
(which would be an hour every two hours...)

But it wouldn't make sense because I would just be doing whats best for Vivi.
Not whats best for Vivi, Daniel, Tommy, and Izzy.

It seems more and more in my life God is putting me in situations like this to give me better perspective.
Having kids seems to open you up to like nothing else.... no pun intended.

I can see why you would get the epidural, I can see why you would go all natural.
And now I can see why some women love to breastfeed... I can see why so many loathe it.
I certainly can see why going to work is appealing. I think I've worn makeup once this month....

Ironically the hardest part of making these choices for me is wondering what other people are thinking.
Not because I really care but because I am an explainer... I want everyone to see my side of things.
Its exhausting let me tell you.

Especially when I'm finding after five years that young mothers maybe the Least flexible people I've met.
 Everyone believes that there way is the right way, and I did too when I just had one.
Even when I had two I thought I knew almost everything.
But after three and four I realize that my way isn't the only way because "My way" has been a bit different every time we have add a new baby... sometimes more than a bit.

My oldest two nursed for just two weeks.
My third not at all.
My fourth going on seven weeks...
  ironically she is "starving" and number three has been a tank since he was a few months old.
My one year old is forward facing in the car.
My dog sits between the car seats too.
I hardly ever let my kids in my bed before dawn... but I do love having them there in the early morning.
I let them cry occasionally, when I think the situation is appropriate.
God help me for saying this but I believe spanking is in order sometimes...
I have vaccinated all of them.
I plan to homeschool them too.
I stay home with them.. its not always where I want to be but I believe its where I'm needed right now.

... but let me explain, cause that's what I do.
I can make it short and sweet.
I love them more than anyone, I know them better than anyone, and God gave them to me.
So I'll be the parent.

Now do you see why I haven't written in weeks? I am a ranting raving hormonal mess...
I promise many funny stories are coming soon.

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