Wednesday, February 16, 2011

For When Today has Become Yesterday

The purpose of my blogging is to document this crazy life with little ones so that someday we can look back through the haze of laundry, tantrums, holidays, illnesses, and endless hours of sesame street...
and remember what it was really like...
and how wonderful it really was in the midst of all the mess and stress.
What they did, said, played, loved, at 2 and 3 and so on.
The things that we are so often too busy to notice on the norm.

The lesser purpose is also to keep my sanity because I cannot afford a therapist... 
either in time or money.
So I ramble to the masses on the internet and feel better somehow.
I think its because it keeps me from talking to myself most of the time.

Tonight I write mostly to keep my sanity. But partly to remember too.

I feel the need to write because someday I bet my daughter will become a mother.
And I know she is going to come to me and ask all the tough questions.

I would give a lot to be able to flip a switch and see my mother and Tom's mother doing all the things I'm doing now.

Sadly my Mom is like me and has a horrible memory, and even if you think you remember something the passage of so much time has a way of changing the story... often I notice, making things seem easier than they really were.

Did they love every second of pregnancy? Did they act like crazy women at the end, like I do?

 I'd love to see what they did when we were all sick at once... and they were too.

To ask them what they were really thinking while they were driving to the pediatrician for the fourth time that month.... or week!

To see how many times a week they ended up in tears right along with the toddler.

Most likely they did things and felt a lot the way that I do now.
I just want to feel that I am normal, and that the women I respect and admire had days just like mine was today. Where they felt nothing could go right, and nothing would go right ever again.
I want some kind of evidence that this too shall pass.

 So this is for you Isabella.
Just in case you ever wonder someday.

Tomorrow is my due date for this fourth child we are happily expecting.
I find this at the moment to be utterly surreal because the last two days I have thought about this looming event very little.
Except of course to think that I am totally unprepared and I can't go into labor now.

Lord are you listening? NOT A GOOD TIME PLEASE....

You see right now Bella your fever is at 101. You have an awful cough that breaks my heart to hear. 
All you want is for me to hold you all the time. You have been in my bed by five am the last three days. And we have spent a lot of time in the bathroom with the hot shower running.

Daniel is coughing even worse than you and has and ear infection that is making his normally difficult temper downright unbearable. Apparently he feels the need to hit everyone who comes within arms reach when he doesn't feel good. 

And poor Tommy just wants Daniel to stop trying to punch him and play with him.
I'm afraid to say it but he too has now begun to cough and his cheeks are turning red...
yes I was right. He is getting a fever too.

Oh and the dryer has died officially...
and of course it would be ideal to be able to do the laundry when we bring the new baby home...
or better yet to just keep up with it before hand!
So last night your Dad was going to head out to get a new one.

Except he realized when he went to leave that his tail lights in the truck were broken.
So instead he spent and hour in the cold driveway trying to fix the problem...
he did but by then the store was closed.

So now tonight he finally brought one home.
And now that he has to maneuver a dryer into our basement he has decided that eight o'clock at night would be the perfect time to clean it out.

He has got a blazing fire now going in the snow in the back yard. Burning all the garbage he can find.
And here I sit listening for one of you to cry for me.
Or go into a coughing fit.
I feel overwhelmed and on the verge of tears.... again.
I find myself calling my mom just to say, "please pray they can get to sleep... 
tell me its going to be ok?"
This is not what I pictured doing nine months ago when I thought of February 16th.

But life is rarely what we imagine it will be.
And for the most part I cannot complain because my life so far has been so much more beautiful than anything I had dared to envision for myself.

That is the beauty of being a mother.
Somehow even at its worst it is still the best.

Its been a very long day with you all needing me much more than usual.
And being this pregnant I feel like I have much less to give.
I hate feeling helpless and without a plan,
so maybe that is part of God's purpose in putting us all through this.
Maybe ripping any semblance of control from my hands is His way of teaching me to be better,
calmer, more patient, less easily shaken.
Have more faith.

Someday this will be you I'm sure in one way or another.
Probably with your own kids.
But even if you don't have any kids of your own you will find that many things life will often overwhelm you.

Just so you know its normal to be overwhelmed.
Its ok to burst into tears multiple times a day... as God knows I have lately.
Its even better to turn those tears into prayers and ask God to get you through it.

"The honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah." ~ Amy Grant

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