Friday, July 23, 2010

Lifestyles of the Young and Shameless

What did I do today?
Today I had to explain to my daughter why its inappropriate to draw pictures of mommy naked.
she patiently explained that she "didn't know how to draw clothes"
And in the drawing I was having a baby so I was "really happy"
Oh honey are you in for a surprise.

Tommy told his daddy he would go to work with him and help "get you's all messy".
and he was going to wear his boots... because when you wear boots you mean business.

I overheard Isabella tell Tommy that her bible was "good new"
Guess it doesn't age well?
 I read Tommy three different books about ducks, and Isabella wanted me to read Hebrews.... 
for about one chapter and then she got bored.
Tommy never got bored of those ducks though.

Daniel somehow got his foot stuck under the piano and acted as though it was trying to eat him.

Isabella was once again faced with the sad reality that redbox movies are not here forever.
She cried for a llllooonnngggg time..... it was absurd. 
Drama queen... I'm still mad.

I went to help Tommy go potty and he informed me that
"I have to go bofs (both) mom... get out. I needs pribacy"

I caught Daniel trying very hard to turn on the stove!
I screamed and clapped my hands... he was startled to say the least...
I don't think he'll do that again soon.

Two out of  my three children have a "stomach bug"
Every time Tommy was upset with Isabella for being bossy, or taking a toy... she blamed it on "Diearrha's"

We ended the night with an hour long pillow fight with Daddy.
By bedtime the older two were crying and Daniel was looking back and forth between them confused.
Then he decided to mimic them.

It was loud....
But now its bedtime and all is quiet again, and I'm off to my couch to eat ice cream and put my feet up.
Every night around our house is like being in the eye of the hurricane of crazy... rest while you can.

Knowing, Feeling, Praying

Do you know me? 
If you do you know that patience is not my strong suit.
We went to the doctors yesterday, I am ten weeks pregnant... no heartbeat yet.
He swears this is normal and said I could come back in two weeks to check again,
if we don't get it then I will be sent in for an ultrasound.
I hate waiting.
I hate this horrible place of limbo,
its like a mean joke.
Either you will have a baby in February or you were just sick for the last ten weeks for no reason.
Just to ruin your summer.
Just to let your house fall apart.
Just to exhaust your poor husband.

I should say here that God is in control,
and He is...
I should say that he has a plan and a purpose, 
and He does....
I should say that I have faith that all things will work together for good, 
and I do.... honestly I do.
But right now I don't feel any of that... there is a big difference between knowing and feeling.

I feel scared, angry, anxious.... 
give it to God.

Thanks... not helpful...
see I've been here once, and I did give it to God.
I gave him that grief, 
that pain, 
that loss, 
that baby.

But knowing that we've lost a baby is different, 
its got finality.

I know were to take my suffering,
that I can carry to the cross easily.

But I don't know what to do with this joy mixed with fear.
The anticipation and excitement.... that feels like a little candle cupped in my hands in a storm of doubt.

So I will do what I always do.
I'll keep cuddling my babies and cooking their dinners.
I'll keep laughing at the weird things they say, 
I'll read them the same book three times, 
I'll play the loudest fastest songs I know so they can dance around the kitchen.
I'll fall exhausted into the arms I love every night.

And in between I'll pray like I breathe, 
in and out.

please God carry me, 

thank you no matter what, 

get me to next week, 

hold me together, 

Steady and constant.... like the rhythm of a heartbeat.