Saturday, July 17, 2010

It was the best of times... it was the worst of times

Tom took the two oldest to the store today so it was just me and him....

Thinking about the fact that I'm about to have my fourth baby has got me thinking about when I had my first.
I am not the same mother...
thank God....

I remember jumping up to get her every time she cried,
preparing for a trip to the grocery store like it was a six month hike in the wilderness,
following every direction to the letter,
checking on her a million times a night,
waking up and realizing it was morning and we had all slept... all night!
and then panicking and checking on her breathing before celebrating the new milestone.

Yeah.... looking back I'd say my new mother psychosis was making everything a good bit harder than it really needed to be.

So now when my friends with one kid talk about the hardships of trips to the store or late nights with the baby.... 
I might be just a tiny bit judgmental.... only a tad.

Its just that now I  feel like now I really know what hard is.

The baby is in a "shrieking phase".
I can't stand screaming.

Tommy is in a "why?" phase.
And anytime I try to explain he looks at me like I'm a drunk speaking a foreign language
and when I don't try to explain he just says why louder repeatedly and I feel guilty and angry all at once.
I can't stand feeling guilty.

Isabella I would say is always overly emotional 
... but lately that part of her personality has particular prominence.
Couple that with the fact that she is being extra defiant, 
(like making me ask her way more than once to do or not do something.)
And Mama has reached her breaking point.

Its not all sunshine and roses here.
Its messy and emotional and exhausting.
The other night Tom and I got the kids in bed and we both immediately fell asleep on the couch....
for an hour and a half....
Sitting up.

So what is my point?
Well today for an hour I had just the baby.... easy....
oh no... of course not...
Pride cometh before the fall.

My first mistake was giving him noodles with spaghetti sauce for dinner.
The mess was overwhelming.
But I'm super mom and he is one baby... no problem.

His clothes were a mess to so I just stuck him in the bath empty and undressed him in there.
Took off the messy outfit and stuck it in the sink behind me to soak.
Went to take off his diaper.... uh-oh... messy poo.
this has happened to me before.
amateur mistake, I should know better.

ok.... ok... just unplug the drain and use my hands *gag* to wash it down the drain...

Uh-oh again...

water in the sink is still running...

sink is plugged....  

Baby is wet and screaming and covered in poo and spaghetti...

can't let go of baby!


So I bit the bullet and picked up the soaking wet slightly poo and spaghetti covered baby and reached the sink plug..... way to late.

Rug, towels, slippers, me... all soaked.

Oh and the whole time this fiasco is playing out in my bathroom... this song is playing on the radio...
loudly... and never ending.

Everybody's got their something.... be it one baby or ten.
I am sorry God for my judgmental attitude.... my job is hard but no mothers job is ever easy.
lesson learned.... no more ok?

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Its the time of year when I go back in time.
My heart is in a vice, my throat is choked up with emotions I won't let past.
The crying is inevitable, even though I try not to
Every year at this time the wound is ripped open and raw again.
Just like it was the day he died.

There are the tears for what never was...
the meal we had said we would have together soon.
there are the tears for what never will be....
him meeting my husband, or kids, or grand kids.
There are the tears for what was lost....
a good friend, a time in my life that was in some ways more innocent.
I never know what will set me off.
Sometimes it seeing "his" truck.
Sometimes its the lights from the carnival rides at the annual Farm Show.
Sometimes its a song... 
that was it today.
Its actually a few weeks early for me to be having this breakdown, but this song was a killer
If I die young bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses, 
Sink me in the river at dawn,
Send me away with the words of a love song
Lord make me a rainbow,
I'll shine down on my mother, 
She'll know I'm safe with You when she stands under my colors,
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be
ain't even grey but she buries her baby.
The sharp knife of a short life...
well I've had just enough time. 
So even though its well after midnight and the house is asleep, I can't seem to turn off my head
I'm sitting here listening to sad songs 
and thinking of a boy I used to know... 
who sadly wouldn't even know the woman I've become.
I often wonder what he would think of all that's happened in these years he's missed.
But I hope if God had written a different future for him that I would have been a part of it.
That we would have stayed friends in spite of time and geography and different opinions.

Either way... we were friends once and that is what keeps me coming back to that time every August.
It hurts, and its sad, but I hope in fifty years, 
August of 2060...
that I'm taking this same trip back in time, keeping alive the part of him that I get to keep
him helping paint my room blue, 
cooking bacon for me so I wouldn't get burned...  
with his shirt off to show me I was a big baby,
fixing a huge dent in his car in my basement so his parents wouldn't see,
spinning my dad's walking stick like a ninja...  
until he broke the globe on the overhead light,
cayenne pepper...on everything,
spell checking his poetry... it was beautiful.... 
his spelling was awful,
listening to him and my dad come up with creative ways to cut short the life of my current boyfriend... 
don't worry they never got out of the planning stages,
 dancing at a middle school dance, 
watching movies for two days in a row because we could,
Seeing him one last time at the farm show, just by chance.
Well I don't really believe in chance anymore.
So thank you God for at least letting me say goodbye to him.
But I'm gonna hold onto the memories.