Thursday, May 20, 2010

To Love and Be Loved.


Its been five years today that we've been married.
Two days after our wedding we set out on the first of many adventures together. Ocean City, MD.
No hotel reservations, no real plan, 
just two thousand dollars, a leaky convertible, and two weeks off work.
We ate till we couldn't move, 
stayed up all night long,
walked on the beach in the cold... you in your boots, me in bare feet.
We wandered into every little weird store on the boardwalk,
bought a painting of Paris and said someday we would go there together.

I've often wished I could go back to the days before our wedding and tell myself to slow down,
that we would never get it back, and we should savor it.
especially our honeymoon, it was a once in a lifetime thing.
not the location obviously but the time,
no kids, no responsibility, truly carefree.

A few weeks later, July 3rd to be exact, in a house that still didn't really feel like home.
Your sitting on the couch, the right side of the old leather one we have since thrown out.
I come out and show you the plus sign with shaking hands and demand that you take me to walmart for another test.
I can't fathom that I'm going to be a mother, but when we get to the store I buy three tests...and a pregnancy magazine.
Three more plus signs and we spend the fourth of July spreading our good news.

October of the same year, we head to St. Kitt's for our "real" honeymoon.
I am five months pregnant now. 
The bumpy dark and stormy landing nearly makes me throw up, you are across the aisle holding my hand.
I remember thinking if the plane went down at least I could die holding your hand.
It was comforting... that is true love.... the way... we are taking a cruise when we go to Paris.

Its March of  the next year and we are waiting for our daughter to be born, she is late... of course.
You are my sanity, the only thing I have left to cling to.
We are going to have to be induced. You get my favorite take out the night before. 
You drive me to the hospital and play calming music, and listen to me cry about how scared I am.
You try to hold me while they give me the epidural... its Ok, every superman has his kryptonite.
You get me ice chips.
You get me cold wash cloths.
You count to ten for and hour and a half and cheer me on. I really wanted to make you proud.
And you are the only person in the room who is feeling what I'm feeling when that little girl takes her first breath.

We do the late nights and the early mornings,
you do them more than me while I fight off the "baby blues"
You amaze me with what a good and natural father you are.
I am just a tad jealous.

We celebrate all her firsts.
   and our first anniversary.

Soon she is one and at the end of a long celebration with friends and family she is running a fever.
You take her temperature while I take a pregnancy test.
I have another plus sign 
She has a temperature over a hundred and four.
We spend the night in the ER wondering what we will do on nights like this when we have two kids.

We have a son, and now your name is even more a part of me. 
Now the son we've had will carry on your name. I am as proud as I've ever been.

We suffer a miscarriage... I am sure you are suffering as much as I am which surprises me a little, 
and makes me love you more.

We pray, we cry, we make it though stronger. 

A few months later 
another plus sign and another son.
 He is healthy but I'm not.
Epidural headache and treatments lead to possible infections.
MRI's, spinal taps, endless antibiotics. 
You are so strong for me 
and I don't worry about the kids because I know you are taking my place as only you could. 
overseeing the house, who will watch them and when, 
cleaning it from top to bottom the night before I come home.
I never saw you scared,  
I wouldn't have known how scared you were if my sister hadn't told me.
Thank you for not letting me see that. I needed your strength that day since I had none.
Five years of babies growing, late night fevers,  feedings and diapers changes.

Five years of watching miracles happen and prayers get answered.

Five years of you leading us and me learning to follow.

Five years of you taking care of me and me taking care of you. 

I pray for fifty more.
On our fifty fifth wedding anniversary you will be seventy seven and I'll be seventy six.
I want to write about our trip to Paris, with pictures of us on the Eiffel tower.
I want to brag about our kids and grandkids. 
I want to have side by side rocking chairs on the porch.
I remember thinking on our wedding day that I couldn't love you more than I did at that moment.
I was wrong,
And in fifty years I want to be even more in love with you than I am today.

Il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'ĂȘtre aimĂ©. 
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

Love, me.