Friday, April 23, 2010

Fat Friday... Failure and Forever.

I have just looked back over my "Fat Friday" entries.
I only went back three but I didn't find the last time I weighed-in.
I've stepped on my mom's scale at her house but I haven't been to a meeting in a while.

Life, illness, car's breaking down... all excuses when you get down to it... I should have tried harder.
I thought I was maintaining, maybe I gained a pound or two.
I wasn't counting points, not exercising either.
And slowly but surely over the last 20 days or so I have gone back to my old habits...
they die hard you know.

My Stats:
Starting Weight: 265.6
Lowest Weight: 228
Gained Back: +7.2
Current Weight: 236.4

Yes you read that right.... Gained Seven Pounds.

Its not easy to write this.
I usually weigh-in at my Thursday morning meeting, but this week I went on Wednesday because I knew once again Thursday wouldn't work and I was getting tired of the excuses... 
I knew I had gained, 
I knew I needed the wake up call, 
I knew I needed to get back on track.
 I just didn't think I had gained so much.
In retrospect I can see exactly what I did to get me here.

So since Wednesday I've been trying to decided what i would say here, and last night Tom gave me a pep talk that was my answer.

It was not rosy or happy or upbeat.
It was not what you generally hear from people who are losing weight.
He said its "forever." 
What i should learn from this is that I can't ever do what I was doing, I can't ever go back to that.
Its one day, 
one week, 
one pound at a time.
Its doing it for the rest of my life so I don't ever end up that miserably overweight again.
It's not "I'm on my diet", 
It's "I'm not that person anymore."
I have been back on the plan since I left weigh-in!
I am struggling a bit but I feel better already. All that junk food was making me feel sluggish and yucky...
that is such a mystery to me, that I crave things I know will make me feel "blah"
I am making plans to get to my meeting every week from now on, lining up babysitters.
I am keeping good food in the house and planning ahead.
I'm watching biggest loser...motivation.... I love Bob.
I'm mowing the grass again (which is so so much easier than this time last year!)
I'm praying about this like  I did when I first began.

My first week I only lost 1.6, 
I was very disappointed... but I didn't give in and give up like I so often do.
and the next week I lost 4 pounds, and look how far I've come! 
Little by little, for the rest of my life I will do this.
I'm beginning again,  
I'm going back to the person I was when I started this so that.....
 I never go back to the person I was when I started this.