Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I've found that when I don't write for a long time eventually its like I get full to capacity of thoughts and emotions and pretty soon I find myself sitting here in the middle of the night...
when I want to be relaxing, 
when I should be sleeping, 
but instead I'm pecking away at these keys... trying to empty my head and my heart of some of its emotion.

Today was a weird day,
I started out truly deeply content and happy with everything that is 
and everything that's on the horizon.
One of the contented sighing kind of moods, like after a big homemade meal.
Where every song that comes on the radio is your favorite and fits your mood exactly.

Then slowly I realize that I'm the only one feeling this way.
That everyone else I love and have spoken to is having an awful time for one reason or another.
And I'm helpless to give them any comfort.
It's like watching a play and every person in it is suffering.
And they don't know the whole story because they are in the midst of it,
but I do because I'm watching it unfold.
I hate when the people I love most are unhappy, 
I dread the day my children are grown mostly because right now their trouble are small and simple,
but I know one day they will be real and I won't be able to kiss them away.
I feel like if I could just show them, just step into their role for just a minute then maybe I could help.
Most likely I couldn't, 
really there is nothing to do but pray and try to keep my joy, and hope that its contagious.

Right now I'm going to try to find joy in these last few days of summer.
He did this on his own :)

I'm going to enjoy a few more dips in the pool before the end of the season, 
and a couple of impromptu trips to the lake.

I'm going to memorize and document and enjoy the cute faces...

and silly things..

and new experiences...

And at the same time I'm going to look forward to camping and bonfires 
and the crunch of leaves under my feet.

to long walks on cool days and seeing the beauty of fall painted across the hills.

that's Nana and Pappy taking the whole neighborhood for a walk.

I'm looking forward to time spent with family
and lots of baking and sweater wearing...
Summer was good, fall will be good too, 
we will find joy in the Lord
in each other,
in the anticipation,
in the little things.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. 
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, 
not even to an animal. 
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; 
lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
~C.S Lewis

Monday, August 23, 2010

This is What a Nervous Breakdown looks like.....

I am listening to my freshly bathed, sweet smelling, pajama clad babies in the living room 
quietly watching Cailou.
Cailou is asking his mommy when its going to snow, she sweetly says 
"soon.... do you want to bake some cookies while we wait?"
So they bake, then the snow starts.... Cailou wants to go outside... mommy says joyfully "of course!"

I hate Cailou's mommy today.
She is giving me a complex.....

Here I sit at the computer after one of the most challenging days of my life... ever.

Today when the kids asked me about the rain stopping or starting for the millionth time 
I did not respond in a manner that conveyed love... but rather exasperation and annoyance.
 I lost my temper about a thousand times today when they forgot to share...
or started screaming in unison just for fun....
or hurt themselves wrestling on the couch after I told them to stop.
Actually that last one really gave me a strange kind of smug satisfaction.... I was that fed up.
There was zero sympathy but don't worry I faked it in between the "I told you so's"
As I write this I am contemplating the dangers of eating raw cookie dough when pregnant because I lazily bought the pre-made stuff and now I don't even have it in me to put in on a cookie sheet and bake it.
I have reached a new low....

What brought me here? 
The baby got up early,
both boys wet out of their diapers and the beds needed stripped and cleaned.
Isabella had an upset stomach and our bathroom required lots of lysol... twice.
We were out of milk and bread so a trip to the store was iminent.
The baby was cranky (from getting up to early) so we had to wait to go shopping.
I realized during morning nap that it was raining in my open car windows.
I called my sister for emergency back up and she mercifully let me go to the store alone.
I braved walmart..... with a wet butt.
the woman in the check out line in front of me had a disney character tattooed on her neck
I once again question the sanity of society at large.
I go to the McDonald's drive thru... always a treat.
Get home... feed kids and sister, who have torn the house apart.
Its OK it was so worth it.
Get kids to nap late after much screaming.
Nap is cut short for various reasons involving Isabella.
Make a nice supper for Tom and the kids since he should be home early for the first time in a while.
In the end the kids and I eat alone and he is actually over and hour later than the normal time.
That would be a half hour before bedtime.

I will now go read my bible and eat cookies (that will be baked) and try to take deep breathes.
Hopefully the feeling of seething hatred for Cailou's constantly patient loving and attentive mommy will pass.

If not I will try to picture her at her worst... 
in labor swearing at anyone who is in earshot.
Fighting with her husband over bills and work schedules.
Telling everyone its "breakfast for dinner"... get your own cereal.... pop tarts if your feeling fancy.
Eating raw cooking dough crying in the bathtub....

Not that I have ever done any of those things.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Farmers Wheel

This is what the last week or so have felt like to me....

one big crazy blur...
please stop the ride I'm going to be sick.
We had fun... too much fun for one long weekend.
It's going to take awhile to process all this, here is what we did.
Went to the annual farm show, 
went to the annual family day at Idlewild park,
went to my moms to visit my Chicago cousins,
twice... once Friday night, and all day Saturday for a picnic,
went to church then to another cousins big birthday party.
Then we came home and collapsed on the pile of dirty laundry... it was ironically convenient.

The silver lining around the cloud of exhaustion and pandemonium is that
one... we made lots of good memories, and a few that we will eventually laugh about I'm told.
two... I have a weeks worth of blog posts and cute pictures.
and three.... I have learned more about my kids through this insanity.

For example If Tommy misses his nap he is not only very emotional but also he suddenly has 
NO bladder control. 

Isabella is always onto the next thing in her head before we have even begun to to the current thing.
I must learn how to break her of this, she is missing all the fun
In this case she is waiting for the merry-go-round to start and asking about the fun house she just spotted.

And Daniel really is lactose intolerant! I've been messing with his diet for weeks and yesterday I had a "duh" moment and gave him some mac and cheese at the birthday party.
I've paid for that mistake four times today.
But I'll spare you the pictures of his messy diapers and instead show you what he thinks 
about the merry-go-round.... an hour and a half after bed time.

He cried and cried and cried, then it started spinning and he started blinking a lot...
I'm just glad he didn't puke.

Alright back to the fun stuff....
I'll go in order and write about the Farm Show first.
This is why we Had to go....

Isabella loves the "Farmers Wheel" and has been asking about it for months.
Lord only knows where she comes from, 
I hate heights and so does every one in my hard working eastern European lineage....
I blame the French in her.
But I am trying to spare her my neurotic tendencies so I bit the bullet.

this is Nana, my Mom waiting with Daniel.... she is not happy about this ride.
Tommy rode with my sister and our cousin Andrea, this is the best photo I could get :(

You can't tell but that is Nana on her knee's next to the stroller
She did this last year too.
She claims to be unable to stand upright while we are stopped at the top.

I know how she feels though I don't like it either.
Did I mention that this same ride has been here every year as long as I can remember?
Things this big should not be mobile.

Tom has to keep me calm and remind me to look at the camera...

Ok enough fun for one night... we got stopped at the top twice.
For a lllooonnnggg time... shudder, wince, moan.

Andrea said I seemed better that my sister Julie, she was praying audibly and often.
I was no better really, I think just have more faith....
in God that is not the carnival guys and rusty old rides.
There are no atheists on Ferris wheels.

More mayhem later....

Monday, August 9, 2010

Daddy at Dusk

Why am I sitting here blogging and yawning incessantly when all I want to be doing is sitting in my freshly made bed with a big bowl of popcorn and a cold drink?
Because the lovely little people in my life do adorable things, 
because the love of my life is the best father I could have imagined, 
because I want to remember these beautiful summer evenings forever.
Even when Tom is dog tired...
like got up at 5 a.m.
Drove and hour and a half to get to work a 9 hour day in the hot city...
Then drove and hour and half home to find an exhausted wife....
who's pitiful excuse for dinner was chicken nuggets and mac n cheese. 
He still finds the energy to show his kids he loves them.
One week and one day ago they planted these...
I realize its probably way to late in the season for sunflowers, 
but it was something I had planned to do with them months ago and never got around to. 
So no matter if they get as big as they should.... 
"we will grow something" Daddy said last Sunday.
They outgrew the little window pots in just a week.
Really they are perfect for preschoolers to grow because of the instant gratification.
They were so excited because they could really see the progress everyday.
And tonight it was time to transfer them outside.
So Daddy.... being the overachiever that he is.... decides we must build a flower box,
And those that do not work will not eat, so everyone must help.
Plus work is still fun and cool when your under six.
Especially if it involves Daddy's tools.
Then we took mommy's silverware outside... which I'm sure is where it still is..... and planted....
 They were dirty, sweaty and beaming by bedtime.
Maybe planting sunflowers will become a tradition for us.
Maybe next year we will plant them on time.
Maybe it doesn't really matter what we are doing or when as long as we're doing it together....

All fathers are invisible in daytime; 
daytime is ruled by mothers and fathers come out at night.
Darkness brings home fathers, with their real, unspeakable power. 
There is more to fathers than meets the eye.
Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eyes

Friday, August 6, 2010

12 Weeks, One Day, and One Beautiful Sound...

We went to my doctor's office at eight thirty this morning.
After a long two weeks and much nervousness we got what we had been praying for.
A strong little heartbeat.... 166 beats per minute.

I have so many thoughts and things to record... 
Most of all Tommy and Isabella's reaction.... finally getting to find out about their new best friend coming soon.
But for tonight I'm just going to breathe deep, relax and quietly sift though these many emotions.
Thank you for all of your prayers and comments! 
Keep them coming please!
only 28 more weeks to go.....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Time Well Wasted

Am I wasting time on things that don't matter?
Or am I enjoying wasting away my precious time with them?
Do I worry about the things I can't change, the little chores that will need done again in a day or two?

Or do I concern myself with the things that matter most...
the things so far removed from what is here and now...
diapers and tantrums.....
that they are almost impossible to wrap my head around.

The kind of people I want my kids to grow up to be, 
the parents they will be, 
the spouse they will be, 
the friend they will be.

Both I suppose.
I think that would be the honest answer of any mother.
 Someone has to keep things at least sanitary around here right?

Nice to meet you, I am somebody.

But, I must often stop and remind myself that this matters more than laundry,
or dusting,
or mopping,
or a healthy balanced meal.
Did I feed their soul's?
Their constantly growing imaginations?
Their seemingly endless need for love and cuddles and kisses...

If I didn't then the green beans I served them don't matter a bit.

Did I show them how to live life to the fullest today?
Did I call them to the window when the bunny showed up in the back yard?
Did I read them a book or just turn on the tv?
 Did I listen when she told me what was wrong with her baby dolls?
 Did I pay attention to him when he told me about the "bad guys"?
 Did I show them the wonder in God's creation?

Did I tell them again that there is a God who loves them even more than me?

No, a little but not enough..... 

I think if I understand anything about motherhood it is this, 
that even if I do more each day than the day before to mold them 
and teach them 
and love them....
it should still never be enough.

You always wonder if you should have given them more.
And the answer will always be yes, 
and there will always be guilt.
But the beauty lies in grace and the hope for tomorrow.
These kids God gave me show me each day how to love with abandon.
And their love is amazing and ironically selfish.
I guess mine is too in the end.
I want to do for them what they do for me.
Give them a hope, and a purpose, 
and an example of God's love