Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Its the time of year when I go back in time.
My heart is in a vice, my throat is choked up with emotions I won't let past.
The crying is inevitable, even though I try not to
Every year at this time the wound is ripped open and raw again.
Just like it was the day he died.

There are the tears for what never was...
the meal we had said we would have together soon.
there are the tears for what never will be....
him meeting my husband, or kids, or grand kids.
There are the tears for what was lost....
a good friend, a time in my life that was in some ways more innocent.
 
I never know what will set me off.
 
Sometimes it seeing "his" truck.
 
Sometimes its the lights from the carnival rides at the annual Farm Show.
 
Sometimes its a song... 
that was it today.
Its actually a few weeks early for me to be having this breakdown, but this song was a killer
 
If I die young bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses, 
Sink me in the river at dawn,
Send me away with the words of a love song
 
Lord make me a rainbow,
I'll shine down on my mother, 
She'll know I'm safe with You when she stands under my colors,
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be
ain't even grey but she buries her baby.
 
The sharp knife of a short life...
well I've had just enough time. 
 
So even though its well after midnight and the house is asleep, I can't seem to turn off my head
I'm sitting here listening to sad songs 
and thinking of a boy I used to know... 
who sadly wouldn't even know the woman I've become.
I often wonder what he would think of all that's happened in these years he's missed.
But I hope if God had written a different future for him that I would have been a part of it.
That we would have stayed friends in spite of time and geography and different opinions.

Either way... we were friends once and that is what keeps me coming back to that time every August.
It hurts, and its sad, but I hope in fifty years, 
August of 2060...
that I'm taking this same trip back in time, keeping alive the part of him that I get to keep
remembering 
 
him helping paint my room blue, 
 
cooking bacon for me so I wouldn't get burned...  
with his shirt off to show me I was a big baby,
 
fixing a huge dent in his car in my basement so his parents wouldn't see,
 
spinning my dad's walking stick like a ninja...  
until he broke the globe on the overhead light,
 
cayenne pepper...on everything,
 
spell checking his poetry... it was beautiful.... 
his spelling was awful,
 
listening to him and my dad come up with creative ways to cut short the life of my current boyfriend... 
don't worry they never got out of the planning stages,
 
 dancing at a middle school dance, 
 
watching movies for two days in a row because we could,
 
Seeing him one last time at the farm show, just by chance.
 
Well I don't really believe in chance anymore.
So thank you God for at least letting me say goodbye to him.
But I'm gonna hold onto the memories.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I just got chills reading that. It seems like just yesterday and the time has flown past. <<>>