Friday, July 23, 2010

Knowing, Feeling, Praying

Do you know me? 
If you do you know that patience is not my strong suit.
We went to the doctors yesterday, I am ten weeks pregnant... no heartbeat yet.
He swears this is normal and said I could come back in two weeks to check again,
if we don't get it then I will be sent in for an ultrasound.
I hate waiting.
I hate this horrible place of limbo,
its like a mean joke.
Either you will have a baby in February or you were just sick for the last ten weeks for no reason.
Just to ruin your summer.
Just to let your house fall apart.
Just to exhaust your poor husband.

I should say here that God is in control,
and He is...
I should say that he has a plan and a purpose, 
and He does....
I should say that I have faith that all things will work together for good, 
and I do.... honestly I do.
But right now I don't feel any of that... there is a big difference between knowing and feeling.

I feel scared, angry, anxious.... 
give it to God.

Thanks... not helpful...
see I've been here once, and I did give it to God.
I gave him that grief, 
that pain, 
that loss, 
that baby.

But knowing that we've lost a baby is different, 
its got finality.

I know were to take my suffering,
that I can carry to the cross easily.

But I don't know what to do with this joy mixed with fear.
The anticipation and excitement.... that feels like a little candle cupped in my hands in a storm of doubt.

So I will do what I always do.
I'll keep cuddling my babies and cooking their dinners.
I'll keep laughing at the weird things they say, 
I'll read them the same book three times, 
I'll play the loudest fastest songs I know so they can dance around the kitchen.
I'll fall exhausted into the arms I love every night.

And in between I'll pray like I breathe, 
in and out.

please God carry me, 

thank you no matter what, 

get me to next week, 

hold me together, 

Steady and constant.... like the rhythm of a heartbeat.




4 comments:

Anonymous said...

you've said it all Poodie....there are NO words in a time like this, because you know who loves you and who cares about your every heartbeat....and HE has always been faithful and always will be...but you confessed that, and in our "human-ness" we still lack what it takes, and HE know that because HE became flesh so that HE knows these feelings...you will be fine because you KNOW who to turn to at your lowest and who to Praise on your mountaintops!! Time is sometimes our friend, and sometimes our biggest enemy, so waiting is not a strong suit for many of us and you were born into a family who has never excelled in patience or waiting which are pretty much the same! Prayers are with you and love is ALL around you...just keep doing what you're doing and God will handle the rest....just let Him! xoxox AJ

Anonymous said...

i know there is nothing i can say to stop the "what ifs "......but if it helps.....i love you & i m praying

Lora Lynn @ Vitafamiliae said...

Oh, I have been exactly where you are, friend. Sending you love and hugs. Feel His arms around you as you wait.

Laura Lee said...

thank you all!