Friday, July 30, 2010

Fashion Show

We had LJ babysit last night... 
I would like to say that the children did this to her.
I would be strangely proud if they could drive someone insane in just four hours,
I would also feel better about the fact that I'm losing it slowly...
 but no...  she is always this weird.
Those are her little brothers underpants on her head by the way, my mom found them in her driveway and gave them to me.... 
Only a boy would leave underwear in a driveway... 
only LJ would choose to put them on her head, I bet she drove the whole way home like that too.

Thanks for the night out girls!

moving on...

I was looking through pictures for some writing inspiration today and all I could see was this...
My Children.... have stopped wearing pants.
Of course they are pretty young so the blame for this lies with me.... 
I'm going to blame it on potty training.
He is basically done but he still needs to go a lot and putting his pants back on each time seems silly.
He was watching for the ambulance that was going by.

And then for the baby, 
well... I hate doing laundry... 
so if its hot why dress him?
 Yes he is eating the zhu zhu pet...
his name is spotty and he was not harmed in the making of this photo.
He likes to help me put away the steak knives... 
just kidding... 
I only let them do the butter knives till they turn three.

But I exaggerate...
They are not always half naked.
The future generation, 

I need to remember that these two will be taking care of me someday.
I wonder if they'll dress me in weird outfits when I'm ninety and senile, 
and take pictures to put on facebook.....

I guess if I'm being honest I would hope they do, 
I think a sense a humor will be one of the more important qualities I instill in them.
Maybe I'll pretend to be crazy around eighty-five so I can see what they do... 
Is this becoming inappropriate? 
I think maybe.
Ok I'm done now... for now.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Lifestyles of the Young and Shameless

What did I do today?
Today I had to explain to my daughter why its inappropriate to draw pictures of mommy naked.
she patiently explained that she "didn't know how to draw clothes"
And in the drawing I was having a baby so I was "really happy"
Oh honey are you in for a surprise.

Tommy told his daddy he would go to work with him and help "get you's all messy".
and he was going to wear his boots... because when you wear boots you mean business.

I overheard Isabella tell Tommy that her bible was "good new"
Guess it doesn't age well?
 I read Tommy three different books about ducks, and Isabella wanted me to read Hebrews.... 
for about one chapter and then she got bored.
Tommy never got bored of those ducks though.

Daniel somehow got his foot stuck under the piano and acted as though it was trying to eat him.

Isabella was once again faced with the sad reality that redbox movies are not here forever.
She cried for a llllooonnngggg time..... it was absurd. 
Drama queen... I'm still mad.

I went to help Tommy go potty and he informed me that
"I have to go bofs (both) mom... get out. I needs pribacy"

I caught Daniel trying very hard to turn on the stove!
I screamed and clapped my hands... he was startled to say the least...
I don't think he'll do that again soon.

Two out of  my three children have a "stomach bug"
Every time Tommy was upset with Isabella for being bossy, or taking a toy... she blamed it on "Diearrha's"

We ended the night with an hour long pillow fight with Daddy.
By bedtime the older two were crying and Daniel was looking back and forth between them confused.
Then he decided to mimic them.

It was loud....
But now its bedtime and all is quiet again, and I'm off to my couch to eat ice cream and put my feet up.
Every night around our house is like being in the eye of the hurricane of crazy... rest while you can.

Knowing, Feeling, Praying

Do you know me? 
If you do you know that patience is not my strong suit.
We went to the doctors yesterday, I am ten weeks pregnant... no heartbeat yet.
He swears this is normal and said I could come back in two weeks to check again,
if we don't get it then I will be sent in for an ultrasound.
I hate waiting.
I hate this horrible place of limbo,
its like a mean joke.
Either you will have a baby in February or you were just sick for the last ten weeks for no reason.
Just to ruin your summer.
Just to let your house fall apart.
Just to exhaust your poor husband.

I should say here that God is in control,
and He is...
I should say that he has a plan and a purpose, 
and He does....
I should say that I have faith that all things will work together for good, 
and I do.... honestly I do.
But right now I don't feel any of that... there is a big difference between knowing and feeling.

I feel scared, angry, anxious.... 
give it to God.

Thanks... not helpful...
see I've been here once, and I did give it to God.
I gave him that grief, 
that pain, 
that loss, 
that baby.

But knowing that we've lost a baby is different, 
its got finality.

I know were to take my suffering,
that I can carry to the cross easily.

But I don't know what to do with this joy mixed with fear.
The anticipation and excitement.... that feels like a little candle cupped in my hands in a storm of doubt.

So I will do what I always do.
I'll keep cuddling my babies and cooking their dinners.
I'll keep laughing at the weird things they say, 
I'll read them the same book three times, 
I'll play the loudest fastest songs I know so they can dance around the kitchen.
I'll fall exhausted into the arms I love every night.

And in between I'll pray like I breathe, 
in and out.

please God carry me, 

thank you no matter what, 

get me to next week, 

hold me together, 

Steady and constant.... like the rhythm of a heartbeat.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

It was the best of times... it was the worst of times

Tom took the two oldest to the store today so it was just me and him....

Thinking about the fact that I'm about to have my fourth baby has got me thinking about when I had my first.
I am not the same mother...
thank God....

I remember jumping up to get her every time she cried,
preparing for a trip to the grocery store like it was a six month hike in the wilderness,
following every direction to the letter,
checking on her a million times a night,
waking up and realizing it was morning and we had all slept... all night!
and then panicking and checking on her breathing before celebrating the new milestone.

Yeah.... looking back I'd say my new mother psychosis was making everything a good bit harder than it really needed to be.

So now when my friends with one kid talk about the hardships of trips to the store or late nights with the baby.... 
I might be just a tiny bit judgmental.... only a tad.

Its just that now I  feel like now I really know what hard is.

The baby is in a "shrieking phase".
I can't stand screaming.

Tommy is in a "why?" phase.
And anytime I try to explain he looks at me like I'm a drunk speaking a foreign language
and when I don't try to explain he just says why louder repeatedly and I feel guilty and angry all at once.
I can't stand feeling guilty.

Isabella I would say is always overly emotional 
... but lately that part of her personality has particular prominence.
Couple that with the fact that she is being extra defiant, 
(like making me ask her way more than once to do or not do something.)
And Mama has reached her breaking point.

Its not all sunshine and roses here.
Its messy and emotional and exhausting.
The other night Tom and I got the kids in bed and we both immediately fell asleep on the couch....
for an hour and a half....
Sitting up.

So what is my point?
Well today for an hour I had just the baby.... easy....
oh no... of course not...
Pride cometh before the fall.

My first mistake was giving him noodles with spaghetti sauce for dinner.
The mess was overwhelming.
But I'm super mom and he is one baby... no problem.

His clothes were a mess to so I just stuck him in the bath empty and undressed him in there.
Took off the messy outfit and stuck it in the sink behind me to soak.
Went to take off his diaper.... uh-oh... messy poo.
this has happened to me before.
amateur mistake, I should know better.

ok.... ok... just unplug the drain and use my hands *gag* to wash it down the drain...

Uh-oh again...

water in the sink is still running...

sink is plugged....  

Baby is wet and screaming and covered in poo and spaghetti...

can't let go of baby!


So I bit the bullet and picked up the soaking wet slightly poo and spaghetti covered baby and reached the sink plug..... way to late.

Rug, towels, slippers, me... all soaked.

Oh and the whole time this fiasco is playing out in my bathroom... this song is playing on the radio...
loudly... and never ending.

Everybody's got their something.... be it one baby or ten.
I am sorry God for my judgmental attitude.... my job is hard but no mothers job is ever easy.
lesson learned.... no more ok?

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Its the time of year when I go back in time.
My heart is in a vice, my throat is choked up with emotions I won't let past.
The crying is inevitable, even though I try not to
Every year at this time the wound is ripped open and raw again.
Just like it was the day he died.

There are the tears for what never was...
the meal we had said we would have together soon.
there are the tears for what never will be....
him meeting my husband, or kids, or grand kids.
There are the tears for what was lost....
a good friend, a time in my life that was in some ways more innocent.
I never know what will set me off.
Sometimes it seeing "his" truck.
Sometimes its the lights from the carnival rides at the annual Farm Show.
Sometimes its a song... 
that was it today.
Its actually a few weeks early for me to be having this breakdown, but this song was a killer
If I die young bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses, 
Sink me in the river at dawn,
Send me away with the words of a love song
Lord make me a rainbow,
I'll shine down on my mother, 
She'll know I'm safe with You when she stands under my colors,
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be
ain't even grey but she buries her baby.
The sharp knife of a short life...
well I've had just enough time. 
So even though its well after midnight and the house is asleep, I can't seem to turn off my head
I'm sitting here listening to sad songs 
and thinking of a boy I used to know... 
who sadly wouldn't even know the woman I've become.
I often wonder what he would think of all that's happened in these years he's missed.
But I hope if God had written a different future for him that I would have been a part of it.
That we would have stayed friends in spite of time and geography and different opinions.

Either way... we were friends once and that is what keeps me coming back to that time every August.
It hurts, and its sad, but I hope in fifty years, 
August of 2060...
that I'm taking this same trip back in time, keeping alive the part of him that I get to keep
him helping paint my room blue, 
cooking bacon for me so I wouldn't get burned...  
with his shirt off to show me I was a big baby,
fixing a huge dent in his car in my basement so his parents wouldn't see,
spinning my dad's walking stick like a ninja...  
until he broke the globe on the overhead light,
cayenne pepper...on everything,
spell checking his poetry... it was beautiful.... 
his spelling was awful,
listening to him and my dad come up with creative ways to cut short the life of my current boyfriend... 
don't worry they never got out of the planning stages,
 dancing at a middle school dance, 
watching movies for two days in a row because we could,
Seeing him one last time at the farm show, just by chance.
Well I don't really believe in chance anymore.
So thank you God for at least letting me say goodbye to him.
But I'm gonna hold onto the memories.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Making a Mess... of Everything.

It's getting messy here
This is one of my survival tactics, let the children run wild and play with every toy we own at once.

It's to hot to be outside for very long and I am constantly queasy.... it works ok?
And when it stops working?
We go trash Nana's house!
This week Tommy and Bella got a crash course in shucking corn.
Bella look at the camera!?
 No... honey, look at the circle!
 close enough.....
He'll be a pro by next summer... don't worry.

Unfortunately there is nowhere that is really safe for us.
Even at Nana's house things can and do happen.

The thing is .... I'm not sure how this happened.
I didn't look up until she screamed.
That would be Thomas the train stuck on her head... its one of those types that you pull back to wind up.
Somehow she wound it up on her head and we couldn't get it off.
The child is gifted.
We cut it out in the end and you can hardly notice..
As soon as we did the the little wheel spun around about ten times. 
It was clearly the only way.

And Nana? 
I know you're probably not very happy with me that you are in the backround of every picture....
in your bathing suit....  
wearing Daddy's glasses...
I agree you ususally look better.

So here is a bad picture of me to make it even....
See how much I love you? 

Monday, July 5, 2010

A Lazy Nine Months

We had a long fun weekend... sadly that is not what I want to write about...
I am a bad mother today.
I mean it.... today I failed to accomplish anything worthwhile.

I slept on the couch while Bella played until the boys woke up... around ten thirty....
No one but Bella ever really go dressed for the day, she only did because she insisted.
I think she held out some vain hope that by getting dressed she might actually get mommy to go somewhere.
She always wants to go somewhere.
But today that was not to be, today I was exhausted from the weekend and gestating.
Today mommy was in survival mode.

We watched way to much tv.... by that I mean pretty much constantly.
We didn't get out the the clothes we slept in.
We ate only that which required nothing more than a microwave.
We avoided the heat and finally turned on the ac full blast.

I feel bad... but everyone needs a throw away day now and then.
I will get back on my game... 
they will be dressed! 
they will be bathed! 
and fed nutritious food!
and entertained with educational toys and my undivided attention!
Just give me another nine months.... I'm feeling a bit nauseated just now....